Acceptance

My blogs lately have been depressing. I have no doubt that people who are reading are sick of hearing me bleat on about the situation I have put myself in … after all it was me that quit my job, its me that found my running shoes early in life and kept on running, and its me that’s running now.

I’ll be packing up the car in the next week and driving the 6 hours or so down to Southern Spain to look for what comes next. With nothing except one months wages, my few possessions and a heavy heart I’ll set off, but I know as the miles pass between here and there I will change, I will bit by bit forget about all that I am leaving and think only of the possibility of the unknown.

My life has changed drastically in three weeks. Nothing I do really surprises me anymore.

Fran paid me a visit last night, as you probably gathered from my last post. Fran doesn’t love me, nor does he know me in any other way apart from sexually. But he keeps me company sometimes and I am grateful for the affection in times of need. He asked me why I was moving and for some reason when I replied the obvious ‘because I have nothing here’ I found my eyes welling up, I fought back the tears and was thankful for the darkness so he couldn’t see. But its true, not having anything has always been a balm to me but it suddenly became such a sad statement to make.

I am 27, I have been lost for a long time and with no hope of ever being found or showed love I am finally admitting that I need to stop looking for change within myself. I am not a good person, my temper is quick, my moods legendry, I am selfish, I make mistakes at every corner. This is how I am, and people like me need to make an alternative life – we need not to put ourselves in situations where we can hurt or upset people.

I need to stop caring when I have done wrong. You see I know I am moody, I know I am over the top in my temper tantrums, my irritability is monstrous but I am always thinking I want to change and each time I do not I beat myself up, and now as I leave and I realise that nobody really cares if I am here or not I do not have many people to say goodbye too, not people who will wave me off and swap fake promises of keeping in touch. So this is it, this is my problem, I need to not keep trying to change who I am, I need to accept that I am always going to be this way that goodness is not something I will possess and find a life in which I can be a solitary being so I can cause the least amount of hurt in this world as possible.

Judgement Day

Laying close together, arms and legs entwined, glistening skin upon skin … the smell of sweat, of bodies, of sex.

He fingers the necklace I am wearing

‘what do you call this in English?’
‘It’s a crucifix’ I reply my black eyes staring straight into his ‘you’ve just fucked me while God watches’

He squirms, tells me he is a non-believer, and also that its obvious I am too, haven’t I just blasphemed by keeping my rosaries around my neck while in the act?

Have I?

Does God look down on me, his messed up child, the one with the devil eyes and devil temper and think what a waste of creation time. Could I not have done better.

Does he watch every mistake I make and then sigh as he marks it down ready for my exclusion from paradise? Does he watch my excuse for a life with a heavy heart and wonder why I consistently defy the bibles version of what a good child of god should be like?

Or does he, in all his glory, understand that the reason I never ask him for anything is that I know I don’t deserve it. Does he understand that my need for affection, not given to me in normal life, comes from encounters such as these?

Does he emphasise with my thinking, that I don’t read or follow the bible as I long ago started my own journey to find my own understanding. Does he see that when I sit on the beach, on my own, with the rain lashing down on me that I love every piece of the earth, that my respect for nature and my adoration of everything he created is as real as the ground I stand on. Does he see that I, the forgotten girl, has always felt like the only place she simply belongs is as a solitary being experiencing the elements.

I don’t believe God judges me, I believe he leaves that it those who judge so quickly on this earth.

Random Ramblings

Its taken me what seems like hours to eat a sandwich, every time I bring food near my mouth my stomach turns and my whole body wants to reject anything passing my lips.

My moods have been monstrous the last few days, even though I am leaving I am finding myself caring about what happens at work, enough to be a bitch to my co-workers.

What is it about people that winds me up so much? Why am I so sensitive? So irritable? I take everything as a personal slight against myself.

Sometimes I think its because I have spent so long knowing that I am nothing, that I am not ever going to be good, or the best at anything or even anything at all that when other people criticise me I bite. It must seem to an outside observer that I actually love myself very much – maybe too much.

How little they know.

The customers that come in the restaurant have in the majority been very nice, some have told me that they think I will always get on in life, they say this simply because when they see me every week or so I am ok, if you do not have to be around me a lot, if you see me just when I am running around the restaurant I know I can seem nice. I have had good luck wished on me.

My employees and co-workers cannot wait for me to go.

It looks like I am going to pack up the car and drive off next week, if I stay here longer than the 7th I will have to pay another months rent and I need as much money as I can get. I doubt my landlord will be impressed given that he has been good to me and I am not giving him notice. I think I might contact him tomorrow to let him know, but there is another side of me that knows once I have told him that’s it, its final I am leaving.

Its all happened so quickly. It almost doesn’t seem real.

Once again I am stepping out of my comfort zone, heading towards the unknown and this time it does not seem as exciting. I keep saying to people if I don’t like it I will come back, but knowing me I doubt I ever will. I doubt I will ever see any of these people again, doubt they will enter my head once the miles are between us.

I tend to always disassociate myself with the past. The past is the past. I run from me, but always have me but lose the memories of those that played part of my life before.

Always Moving

I guess I should be singing that my bags are packed and I am ready to go – but I am not, nor are they yet packed.

I know I should be delighting in this turn of events, a new adventure, a new reinvention but this time as I say goodbye to not only the people I have met, but the sights and sounds that have become so familiar to me over the last 17 months I find that I am melancholy, the gypsy in me is raring to go. Longing to see new places, new lights, but the person in me that just wants to be settled and complete is sad because once again I find that I found a lot here … but still I never found myself! Never found somewhere that I can truly call home.

Next step looks like it will be Malaga, I finish work on Tuesday and then I am free to leave. I won’t be able to leave things too long as I have no money.

Broke, lost, confused, yet accepting … here I go again!

All Change in La La Land

I have a lot to say.

In fact I have more than a lot to say.

But I am not saying anything much at all today.

I’m not running away this time.

I’m not …

honest.

Maybe I am running towards something – I just haven’t figured out what yet.

Belly-Dancing Blues

I have a long list of things I really ought to be doing.

There is an ironing pile in my bedroom that has been growing for over a month. At the moment its impossible for me to actually look in my wardrobe and see anything ready to wear except a belly-dancing fancy dress costume that I bought last year for a birthday party.

I had this rather weird notion today that it would be amusing if I put on said costume and wore it throughout the day, from when I went to take my coffee this morning, to going food shopping and then on to work (only 12 days left … finding another job is also on that ever growing list!).

It would be interesting to see how people viewed me as I went about my daily business dressed as a cross between a Moroccan belly dancer and a whore (the costume wasn’t supposed to be that authentic!), especially if I made a point of keeping a straight face and acting confused when people asked me why I was wearing such an outfit.

I could always act even dumber and pretend I thought that belly-dancing costumes were this seasons new black.

Quitting

I quit my job.

Not the brightest thing to do when you live in a tourist resort and now that the summer is over finding work is similar to find the love of you life i.e. near on impossible.

I keep looking around my apartment, and thinking I am going to lose everything.

Martin quit me.

Tonight I was out with the other half of what was supposed to be our summer foursome. I felt lonely, I felt ugly, I missed what might have been.

I am fed up with being the one always left behind, the thing nobody wants to keep.

I quit pretending.

In a nightclub full of 19 year olds I realised that my life is not going to be fulfilled in that way anymore. I feel out of touch. I could tell when I spoke nobody was interested in anything I had to say.

I finally saw the truth of me and it wasn’t pretty.

I need to quit alcohol.

As I sit here now, after courting the friendship of alcohol I feel more confused and hopeless than I did before. My answers cannot be found this way.

I’m a terrible drunk, manic depressive and aggressive. Its my true nature – its who I am.

I feel like quitting everything.

I’ve waited so many years for something to go right, for something to change, for something to give … to see a change in myself. Now I know my search is fruitless.

As I sit and think about the fact that I am going to lose everything, that my life is crashing down around me I realise that all I ever needed to do was simply not be.

National We-Heart-Kitchen-Roll Day!

There are something’s in life that you take for granted, that you use everyday and never realise just how wonderful they are. Today I want to pay homage to the unappreciated wonders of Kitchen Roll!

Its just sits there in its holder on your work tops, largely unnoticed, used for so much but never paid tribute too. Bet you never stopped to think that this wonderful creation has been around since 1931 without anyone showing their gratitude. Ungrateful world we live in.

I think its about time we showed it some kudos, no? Just for a minute sit there and think about how much you use it for.

v Want to clean glass or mirrors without smudges? Kitchen roll is your tool.
v Wiping down your sides? Reach for the kitchen roll.
v Need paper napkins? Kitchen roll has multi uses.
v Drying fruit? Kitchen roll will do!
v Dropped something that you don’t want to touch? Kitchen roll can be used as a glove!
v Mouths/hands need wiping (children, old people, husbands)? Kitchen roll to the rescue.
v Need to soak some of the fat off chips/sausages? Reach for the holder!
v Want to blow your nose? Come on now, you know its thicker and nicer than toilet roll!
v Cooking? Want to put the spoon covered in sauce down? kitchen roll can be used as a placer.
v Cook bacon in the microwave? Only on kitchen roll darlings.
v Make up smudges? Feels nice against your skin ladies!

I am sure there are a thousand more uses for it?

Kitchen roll has it all – more hygienic then conventional towels, disposable, cheapness … I know someone is going to remind me of environmental issues, but sorry guys and gals today I am not listening, I have officially christened today as national we-heart-kitchen-roll day!

There is also one more use for it guys … though I don’t recommend this as it doesn’t dissolve like the conventional use-for-this-reason paper, but if you’ve run out of loo roll it makes a good stand-in, far better than the alternative anyway!

Secret Eating Habits

I am officially not restaurant date material. How do I know this? Why is this? Well let me start by saying I blame my Mum.

You see when I was younger meals were a big thing in our family, every day at three o’clock sharp we all sat down to have dinner together, come rain or shine, hell or high water you was expected to be at that table, knife in hand ready to battle with family conversation.

That was until I started working, you see, the rest of collective families stomachs wouldn’t hold out until I had finished, 3 o’clock dinners had become more than a way of life, they were a necessity in my families day to day functioning. So I was thrown out of the 3 o’clock club and banished to eating alone.

So it went on for years. When I still lived at home with my parents I ate alone everynight, not being one to watch TV my only dinner companion was either a book/magazine and as I got older and moved out, lived alone, my solitary eating habit intensified.

I never took a lot of notice of the habits that eating alone brought with it until today, when, as normal I sat down to my meal for one with a book resting on the table my left hand holding the book down, fork in my right hand ready to aim and I looked down at my plate and realised that without noticing I had become (sometime over the years) someone who should never be allowed to eat in public.

You see, when your left hand is taken up a book and right hand by the fork you have no free hands to hold a knife, so at some point without noticing I have started cutting my food up before I start eating it so my plate resembles something that looks like baby food!

Bet you can’t wait to come on a dinner date with me!

Alanis Morissette

The first time I heard this lady I was 16 years old, her album Jagged Little Pill was becoming a cult hit and everyone everywhere was either questioning her asking why she hated men and life, or thinking she was the greatest female singer to come along in a long time.

Some people got it, some people didn’t. I thought she was a crusading feminist who by putting her emotions, her heartache, her anger out there in record made us stand up and take notice. She was real. Her reality was the reality that many of my generation shared. She was speaking for us.

I have kept up with her music since then, and why none of her albums have matched the success of Jagged Little Pill in commercial status I must admit that I have found myself sharing in her journey, from the love and life based emotional journey on Jagged Little Pill to the hippy, serene, self-finding journey she went on in Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie to the demanding all-female view of relationships past and present in Under Rug Swept, when she released So-Called Chaos and the media went into overdrive stating that she had ‘sold out’ for commercial success I still got it, to me she did not sell out at all, but after meeting her Ryan Reynolds and settling down she was more relaxed, more prone to happiness than in her earlier unsettled days, and this was reflected in her album. Her latest offering Flavors of Entanglement reminds me a journey back into the past to embrace the future.

But there is more to this Canadian lady than her music, she has a quirky beauty that I find captivating, her honesty is renowned she has even expressed that sometimes by not telling the truth she feels she is lying. If you search you tube you can find various videos of her doing spoofs in which she shows her off the wall sense of humour. Her deepness and outlook on life is refreshing in a world so full of plastic celebrities. She has both sung and spoken openly about her battle with her body image and her own eating disorders.

She has lived in a world where she has experimented with spirituality, homosexuality, soft drugs and some pretty destructive relationships. She is real, she has searched for herself, lost herself and found herself.

This lady is nothing short of amazing.

My featured song for her here is ‘Mary Jane’ taken from the album Jagged Little Pill, this is dedicated to Dumakey as he continues to ride his roller coaster!

and the second song I want you to listen too is Not As We from So Called Chaos … listen to the lyrics of this song, if they are not clear look them up.

Moments that Make Memories

Just as so many people look for security, for safety, for something that endures, I find that I, end up falling slap bang in the middle of a high. I ride roller coasters so I can feel the highs and when the lows come I cocoon myself from the way I feel.

My life is lived by moments, people share my moments, I share theirs. Sometimes like the last three days I get to share a moment in time with someone who blows me away and just as quickly as he blew my mind away, he blew right back out of my life and back to someone else, someone from the past. Someone I knew about, knew was in the background, and instead of steering away like most people would I shared both my body and my support in his quest for understanding.

You see because I have no past, a present in the here and now and a future so unclear I find that I can support people, I find that even when inside I am wanting someone or something so badly that my insides are burning I can still take a step back and say to myself you know this isn’t forever, so if they need some support in their search for their forever give it to them. Sure I don’t always go about it in the best way – my way is haphazard, overbearing, constantly filled with meaningless chatter. But I do do it, I am there on the sidelines, giving advice, listening, understanding, not judging – telling them that they need to go to where they feel they should be to see if it works out.

Months later I hear from the grapevine, shared friends, a hasty text from them telling me that it worked out. Sometimes I don’t hear from them at all, sometimes they don’t even acknowledge me in the street, but I know that one I knew them, knew the person they was in that moment.

I may live on the sidelines of life, but every now and then I get to play on the field and when I do the expected occurs, I dance, I live, I laugh, I breathe but then soon its time for me to go home, to tend my wounded heart and my tired mind.

Me and Martin just lived in the same moment. This morning it ended. I hope he finds what he is looking for.

Ugly

There are quite a few things I don’t know the answer to about myself, for example why I have such old looking skin, why I tend to always cause an argument even when I am not trying to be argumentative, why languages are not my forte and why I like to sit around in nothing but comfy briefs.

There’s more.

But right now I just want to know why I feel so god damn ugly. Ugly, old looking and completely not sexy.

Twenty Ways How Not Piss off Waiting Staff!

Weekends – always quiet on the blog front, sometimes I think I am the only person wandering around the big old internet *cough cough* I guess some people have lives and are out on the town, not like random old me who works six nights a week including Friday and Saturday nights.

Work, I hate it, I officially downgraded my life in 2007 moved out here to sunny Spain and became an out of work actress aka a waitress!

Thought got to admit in this new career (career that’s really spelt ‘dropout’) I have had my eyes opened to the ticking of the human mind. Meaning the worst kind of fucking people you could ever hope to not meet.

So today I am going to share with you a few thoughts on how not to piss of your waitress or waiter. Keep these in mind next time you decide to frequent an establishment, especially if the girl about to serve you has black eyes.

In no set order of importance (translate that as learn the lot of them and stop whining!)

1) If the Restaurant/café opens at 7, do not turn up 15 minutes before, the whole point of opening hours is that it ‘opens’ at that time – get it? Not such a hard concept. The reason we are there earlier than that is not to stand around and chat or serve you, its because we have things we need to get ready, all your doing is putting us back…so NO you can’t just sit down at the tables and wait, we need to tidy up – go get a drink somewhere and come back. If you’re willing to be a really good customer (and one that we will like forever!) make sure you never turn up earlier than 20 minutes after we open, that then gives us time to have a quick coffee and a cigarette.

2) Don’t EVER and I repeat EVER just waltz in and sit down, ok, so I know in cafes and bars this is acceptable but in restaurants its not. How do you know that table is not reserved for someone else? Simply, you don’t. Get some bloody manners, a bit of class and simply learn this sentence ‘Can we have a table for ___ please?’ not so difficult aye?

3) Following on from the last ‘rule you should be taking in’ if you walk into a restaurant and the place is busy, but they say they can have a table ready for you in say ten minutes. Don’t go and sit at the unmade dirty table. I repeat, don’t be a dumb ass and just sit there when you know we are going to have to set it for you or we might ‘accidentally’ spray you with whatever liquid we use to clean the tables! Just stand back and wait.

4) This one goes out especially to the tourists who hit us Mediterranean beach resorts in the summer months. Its August right? Its manic right? There are two waiters and fifty customers. Stop whining and give us some slack. We’re not rushing around for fitness, we’re trying to get to you. You’re on holiday, chill the hell out.

5) And how come when we finally do get to you, after hearing you moaning and tutting at us for the last ten minutes, do we find you have still not decided what you want and want to keep us there for another ten minutes why you have a discussion about it? Simple folks, simple, use that ten minutes you have just wasted moaning to make up your mind about what you want.

6) Steaks take longer to cook, as do all freshly prepared stuff. You want fast food? Go to Mcdonalds. Got it?

7) Just because we are your ‘servants’ for the hour or so you are in the restaurant does not mean it’s acceptable for you to go all pre-Victorian on us and treat us as skivvys. Finger clicking, OI!, You there or to my Spanish readers ‘chica’ is not an acceptable way to get my attention.

Every language has a way of saying please and thank you. Learn it, use it, repeat it. Using manners cost you nothing, not using them costs you good service.

9) If you have reserved a table and when you arrive the table before has overrun try and show some patience. Its not our fault, we are trying to get rid of them…

10) And on the other side of the coin, don’t sit at the table hours after you’ve finished, look around you the place is busy? People queuing for tables? Yeah great, you haven’t seen great Aunty Mavis for a year but please finish your meal and take your conversation to a bar. An hour and a half is more than enough time for you to eat.

11) Only stupid people ask to ‘talk’ to the Chef. Stupid people who normally say things like ‘I have owned/worked in a restaurant I need to talk to the Chef’ bullshit. Sorry, but anyone who has worked in a restaurant should know that the majority of chefs are cantankerous bastards who do not take lightly to being called out of their natural habitat i.e. the kitchen. Most chefs hate people and when people ask them to cook something that they think is running their already perfect meals they hate them more.

12) Chefs hate the waiting staff too. So don’t send the poor person back in there when they tell you the chefs says no. If the waiting staff are telling you with a smile that the chef said no that really means the chef has just told them to fuck off out of their kitchen. Don’t try and send the poor person back in there to make the kitchen angrier.

13) It’s very lovely that you bring so much with you to the restaurant, I’m glad that our tables provide a good place for your children’s colouring books, your laptop, bag … 42inch TV, but come on now? Where are we going to put your food with so much shite on the table … moving it out of the way when we are bringing your food would be most helpful. Thank you.

14) Ok, so we know you are trying to be helpful, but please when have you ever seen a waiter/waitress carry stacked up dishes like a school dinner lady? We don’t, so stacking up your plates on the side of the table is not really helping us. Sure, move them to one side if they are annoying you and we are taking too long (preferable the side that is easier for us to get too) but please don’t stack them like you would dishes in your sink.

15) Don’t try and take things off our trays, its stupid and when something gets dropped on you because of your stupidity you will blame us and try and send us the dry cleaning bill.

16) Here’s a biggie guys and gals: we all make mistakes. We’re only human, sorry for that … but sometimes its not actually us that makes the mistakes, if you order something wrong or you change your mind when you get your food because you’ve just experienced food envy of the person next to you don’t try and make out its our fault. What might seem funny to you is bad for us, the chef already hates us and you’re just making it worse and in some places waiting staff have to pay for mistakes like that.

17) If you can’t afford a few euros/dollars/pounds for good service, you really can’t afford to eat out … so why the hell are you?

18) Everything is shite, drinks taking too long, food taking too long, bills too slow coming to your table. Keep in mind that there is a whole chain of command, its not only us, so when your screaming at us try and keep in mind that it might be pissing us off as much as it is you, but we just have no control over something things.

19) The Restaurant closes at 12, its five to 12 … there’s no people left eating, we’re just tidying up to go home … listen closely now, NO we don’t want you to come in now. I know, I know your hungry diddums – but we want to go home not stay there especially for you. Sorry but your just a bloody nuisance.

20) It’s the end of the night, you have eaten, polished off the wine, had coffee and brandy’s or whatever it is you want, you’re the last table, we’ve cleaned up around you, stacked up the terrace tables, the staff are all standing around waiting …. Come on guys what do you think we are waiting for? World peace? NO, we’re waiting for you to get up and go. Yes, you maybe be on holiday, you may be with friends who you haven’t seen for a while how…how…how wonderfully lovely for you. You think ‘oh its just one night’ but you know what its not just one night, we have a table like you every bloody night. We’re tired, hungry, have babysitters to send home, friends we want to see, parties we want to go too, second jobs/studying we need to get up for in the morning. Please, piss off now. Thank you very much, Ciao!