My Human Moments

Every time I move away from blogging for a while something brings me back here. The comments full of energy, hope and understand you all leave, the emails that drop into my box at just the right time, saying the right words. Blogging has become to me, a way of sharing everything inside myself and putting it out there for judgement. But for some reason I rarely receive critical judgement in my comments, more often I receive positive thoughts, inspiration and always understanding.

I often find it difficult to believe that in a world where people judge each other so quickly without even half of the true facts, I can come here put all my truths out there and face no judgement. Face no negativity. Dr Edward Hallowell wrote a book called ‘Human Moments’ which I adore as it teaches you to wake up to the smaller things in life, to take notice of the connections you make with the people that cross your path in life, both in a big way and small one.

A human moment can be the women who offers you half of her umbrella space while waiting at the bus stop in the rain, it can be the love a parents feels when watching their children play in the sunshine, it can be the warmth they feel while sitting with their partner on a barmy autumn afternoon or even the energy you feel from the man who broke into your thoughts with quite words that spring day when your riding to work on the train.

So many people take little things for granted – I too do it often, sometimes my phone rings and instead of reaching out and answering it and speaking to the friend or family member that is calling I ignore it as I feel like I can’t be bothered to speak – by doing that I am missing out on human moments. Missing out on a conversation that might just bring me a small piece of joy.

This blog for me, has been a whole ocean’s worth of human moments, your comments, your understanding, your encouragement to look to tomorrow when my today’s seem overwhelming, the poems and quotes that have been left, the recommendations of books or websites or just a ways of looking at things, the help that has been offered to me, the entries of your own blogs that I read and by doing so catch a glimpse of the truth of the people who’s support has come to be an integral part of my life. Everytime I come here you reach out and touch, I cannot see your faces but I feel your hearts.

Surely that’s one of the greatest gifts I will ever be likely to receive in this life.

Such a trite two words to say but ‘Thank you!’ you have no idea how you bring to me!

Times need to be changing!

Sometimes when I read back on my entries I truly wonder how I ever wrote them – or I try and recapture the feelings I was feeling when I did but fail too.

It often seems I am so many different people in one body that even I find keeping up with me and with the intensity in the way I feel things very difficult. Just as soon as the intensity wears a little I run, I hide, I jump or the person I have the feelings for gets there first.

I was told last night in conversation that I am the kind of girl that people look to for sexual friendships – nothing more serious – when I asked why they said it was hard to describe but in an inept way it basically boiled down to the way I go hot and cold and more than that at the way I carry on. Despite the side of me you see here, despite the words that fly free from me when I write, in real life my words come with less depth, with less meaning. I can be many things to many people, but mostly I am known as a party girl.

This is not even a quality because when it comes to me being labelled as a party girl it means that I out-drink, out-do, out-party and also…well we all know I have some issues with being promiscuous. I tend to crave highs in life. Its like doing wrong is an addiction and I live in the moment, the knowledge it will hurt me in tomorrow is never a concept I think about.

I guess as I am getting older I am realising the highs – why great – are not good for my long term well being. Its time I hung my hat up on these years when I watch the sun came up in different beds, or on drugs or drink, or in other random places/situations where its not healthy for me to be.

I don’t want to be the girl that’s left behind, I don’t want to be the girl that’s tagged or labelled – though I can’t say its other people’s opinions that bother me that much, its more that this life isn’t making me happy anymore. I want more.

I guess I have never felt deserving of more, so I took the image that I created and run a solo relay race holding on with dear life to that baton. But now, when I look at myself I still see all that is lacking, I still know I am never going to be quite as sane as others, or ever be labelled as calm or laid back, but still I am beginning to think I deserve just as much as the next person.

The way I suddenly felt about Anthony and how much I wanted the security that his love would bring, brought this all back – I know deep inside that I crave love almost as much as I crave the highs, I know I do, I look for affection and friendship in places that I know its not going to last but still I look for it as it seems like my only option.

It’s time to try and turn my life around – I want more than this.

Maybe that’s why this song seems to be fitting to me now.

On Track!

My last entry was I think, a result of how I am feeling right now, life is not a Meg Ryan film and I am not Meg Ryan. Life isn’t about fanatical gestures and heart rendering love stories. Reality is much colder than that.

I haven’t been updating much, nor commenting and I have to get myself back into it, I miss the people here and more than that I miss writing.

I am working – kind off – more and more people got laid off here and finding work seemed to be getting harder and harder so I found something I could do from home, it’s not something I ever thought about doing and judge as you will but its helping paying my rent, I’ve joined this legion of underground women who get paid to chat to men on the phone.

From it though, I have met an amazing group of women via the internet – doing a job that seems to be laughed at by many I have found friendship and support in their close knit group of cam girls, phone sex girls and more – their view is not of being exploited or even of being laughed at, more of sisters are doing it for themselves.

Apart from that, which has eased my money trouble worrying a little, my life has been pretty mundane. I seem to spend a lot of time inside and will continue to do so until I am back on my feet financially.

I am feeling positive again though, and more than positive I am back to being my brutal, tunnel thinking self when it comes to my life. I think I got lost for a little while there, having no money and really struggling made me depressed and I lost sense of the one thing I have always been able to do, look after myself. I guess I was seeking a light in the darkness when in reality all I needed to do was turn on my own light and see a way out of the dark.