I have full length windows in the front room of my new flat, this time of year when it’s raining & dull there is something almost comforting about sitting here looking out of the windows and down to the world below me – I’m in the town so it seems to be constantly alive. My little pug is asleep in the crook of my elbow and I’m feet up on my oversized sofas contemplating the words I want to share. It’s times like this when I understand that the simplest things in life are the most meaningful. These still moments are the happiest for me.
As 2014 is drawing closer to its final month I feel both still utterly lost, but also deeply changed and clear sighted – this year has been a year of battles, with myself and with the uncompromising and unchangeable rifts of life. I spent last New Year’s alone – right now I cannot remember my reasons but I know it just felt right at the time – maybe subconsciously I knew that I was going to have to prepare for a year of challenge and change.
In the early months I met someone by chance, we shared more than I have ever done with anyone previously – I believed in home whole heartedly and embraced his children in my heart as quickly as I accepted him into every pore of my being. Months later I find out it was all a lie, that the person I opened up too and thought wasn’t judging or writing me off because of my past hated the very sight of me – he has told me many times since everything I done wrong – during our time together I became deeply depressed, it’s a place I have never been before, even if the darkest times of my life I never let myself stay there in that dark and lonely place where your feelings become numb, but this time I couldn’t get out of it, I was trying …trying so hard to fight it for him and his family so I could be there for them but it was difficult. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw flashbacks of being raped all those years ago, I saw Andrew hitting me, my real parents abandoning me, I felt unwanted, unloved and disgusting and all of the things that I had blocked out and tried to not make important in my make-up came crashing down on me. I hated the very sight of me – then when he showed me how much he hated me too I couldn’t deal with it.
I turned into one of those crazy women, the ones that you have all laughed at with your mates – the batshit ex who won’t let things go and wants to explain and go over the past, crack open the very foundations and torture themselves with every tiny little comment and mistake.
I think I just couldn’t accept that after all the years of keeping my secrets, the person I finally let them out too would use every one of them against me and continue to hate and torture me emotionally.
At the same time I found a lump in my breast – my grandmother had breast cancer 3 years ago so I am not unfamiliar with the consequences, and as the test referral’s starting coming through to me I was convinced it was happening to me – it’s a long drawn out story that finally ended in October, but they couldn’t give me a final diagnosis on the biopsies and I eventually had to have an operation to remove it. The day I got my all clear was an intense relief but during the months when it was going on I just wanted to die already – my depression already had me in its grip, but this was the ultimate internal war, the main part of me thought that I deserved Cancer – that I was already a walking cancer and it was only right that the disease I bring to the lives of others should be the one that was growing inside of me.
During this time my adopted Dad had a fall at home, and then another in hospital and ended up losing the use of the right side of his body – a man who was the constant strength of our family became an invalid overnight, an angry invalid who cursed the bad luck of the world – the family around him instead of coming together fell out in petty squabbles when led to harsh words and now we stand as a family so fragmented that there is no way back together. I’ll always love the people who brought me up with more love that I would ever be capable of giving myself, but I no longer matter to them as much as I once did. We are like passing shadows full of grudges and unspoken words.
This is the first time in my life when I have truly stood completely alone, why I have felt alone in the past there has always been someone somewhere who would help me if needed, but not now – now I have nothing.
My work is also in turmoil, buy-outs and fear of job loss has made it an uncompromising and unfriendly place and I guess it’s time to leave.
So 2015 – the year is coming, and it looks like everything is changed … I just need to work out where I am going to go. What does someone who has nothing to lose do?