Can I pick your brains?

29 08 2008

I’m a new reader to Glazie’s blog, but after reading her tagged question I figured that this was as good as time as any to tell a little of my childhood story and how in my search for answers I found that I need to look within myself to right the wrong.

 

Q: What is that moment which has changed you and your life forever – to who you are now?

 

A) My childhood resembled an Eastenders episode in that the Slater’s, I am sure, must have been long lost relatives of mine.  My sister is my mum, my mum my nan, my sisters my aunts.  My parents did not want me – alcohol, parties, drugs, being young was more important than me.  As a baby I was both abandoned and detested.  As a child and more so as a rebellious, mixed up teenager I was detested more.

 

Its not easy being a person who really should never have existed, it is not great for confidence to know that not only do you not fit in anywhere but also that you was not really ever wanted anywhere.  An upbringing of pity leaves you lacking feelings that others take for granted.  Like a flower, people grow with love and tenderness; those that have been forced to grow in the dark are not as beautiful or as vibrant.  This was my life.  I grew in darkness, in confusion, with pity.

 

When I reached adulthood, instead of rebelling like I did in my teenage years, I looked for answers, for a sign that I wasn’t all bad that something about me was loveable.  I wanted someone to tell me it wasn’t my fault, that I was a victim of circumstance – that things would be alright in the end, my time would come to shine, to breathe, to smile without sadness in my eyes.  Nobody did.

 

When I moved away, I thought that distance would put a wall between the person I had become and the person I was.  It did not, instead I failed in everything I did, just as I had known all my life there was something about me that was strange, wrong, different, people also saw that in me and they hated me just as much as those in the past did.

 

Last Autumn my real mum and her partner came to visit me, we pretended like we always do that things are fine.  We do not talk about the past.  Until one afternoon when she had been drinking and she started talking about how much a victim in her life she was, how all her mistakes were made because of others, not because of her own doing.  I took this time to question her on the not very important subject of me. 

 

“Did you ever feel any guilt?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“About me? About the things you have done, did you not ever see how lost I was, how I struggled to breathe in a world so full of confusion? Of lies? Did you not care that I wanted to die?”

 

“Why would I carry guilt for you? You do not know pain.”

 

No, I do not know pain.   I do not know how it feels to wake up each day and feel like the worst person alive, I do not know how it feels to never be loved or wanted.  I do not know how it feels to live a half- life.  To never belong, to always be alone.  To always live in fear.  I do not know how it feels to just want to be so oblivious that my mind cannot focus on the excuse of a person I am.

 

My life changed that day.  How it will end up is yet to be seen.

 

 

My question to all of you, is simply this:

 

What does it feel like to fall in love with a moment you are in?

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6 responses

29 08 2008
barrywallace

Your story touched my heart. I don’t know the answer to your question, but I will pray for you.

29 08 2008
glaize

I feel sorry for those who have suffered in Life, who hated what happened to them yet repeated the same things, bestowing the same kind of life onto another and would still have the mind to say “You do not know pain”.

I should be angry because I have seen this kind of situation, experienced a bit of it but I’m not angry. Instead, I feel sorry. I feel sorry because these individuals failed to acknowledge Life. They forgot how to smile. They were never taught about Life, and how there is so much more hidden behind all those ugly masks.

I’m not trying to sound wise but of course, it is not entirely their fault. I have not experienced what they experienced but I certainly wish that there would be a kind soul, a Good Samaritan who would reach out to these individuals and also may these individuals be willing to accept his/her kindness.

29 08 2008
dumakey

Reading this is like reading a section of my own life, my childhood that never was! I am sure back then there was some good times but they pale away into nothing.
Recently my “Mother” and new partner turned up out of the blue and to cut a long story short we went away to France a little later in the year. I guess I was holding on for her to show some love, may be prove that she did actually want me! I knew I was setting myself up for a fall…but I guess as an adult now I really needed to see. A lot was said and the words that hit me the hardest were when she admited she failed, though I think she was seeking from me assurance she did not, this assurance did not come only agreement! Why make what was worse by painting a pretty picture years later! Lets pretend and play happy familys!
I too moved away, put distance there and it never really worked, and a lot of the things you mention I also experiance, though I talk little of my past to my friends. I struggled for years with rejection, I hated myself, never felt worth while or normal, even now I still bounce of those feelings…like a part of me is not there I have no right to be here!
As time progressed and I say this like I am old, though I am not! I learnt that I do not need to be judged by others, that I am myself, and that cutting to the bone with talk as saying what it is, or how it is, instead as often happens playing games…works well.
I could never have children as I could never take that responsibility onwards, I could never be responsible for another life, I just wouldnt know if I was getting it right, and could not run the risk of a child growning up experiancing what I have, its not just the younger years but a thread that runs through the whole of your life.
Your blog and your comments show what an intelligent person you are, show your priortys, and your good heart something you acheive on your own…and not many do!
Gawd I waffled a bit sorry!!!

29 08 2008
From Nothing I came..(Part 1) « Dumakey’s Weblog

[…] I came..(Part 1)  Reading through my blog roll this morning I came upon the following post, https://theforgottengirl.wordpress.com/2008/08/29/can-i-pick-your-brains/ , by  theforgottengirl  As I sat and read her thoughts, her past, it was almost like reading […]

2 09 2008
enreal

Thank you for sharing your story, your life so openly. This was touching. Life makes you wonder. All our stories need to be shared. Namaste

10 09 2009
sandrar

Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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