Standing Down By Being Stood Up

31 08 2008

There are quite a few things you have to be conscious off when you get the desire to start cleaning your apartment at four o’clock in the morning, mainly the neighbours, though why I am giving them a second thought I know not. Seeing as these are the same neighbours who I labelled ‘coffin builders’ because for months on end I was woken at all sort of odd hours with them banging, or using electrical noisy machinery outside my bedroom window. And trust me, when you work long and late hours sleep becomes almost holy and anyone who dares wake you from it is immediately cast as demonic.

But anyway, that’s what just happened to me, I was sitting there all dressed up and nowhere to go (literally) after I had been let down by my work friend. The same friend who introduced me to the young one.

He asked me to go out with them all tonight, and at first I didn’t think I really wanted to but he seemed keen and in the end I thought why not, August has been a long month for us that work in tourist towns and celebrating the end of it seemed quite an exciting prospect. See I leave work, go home and change, and sit and wait for him to call … and wait … and wait. Finally at four (I did tell you we work odd hours, we finished at two!) I gave up.

To say I felt a little put out would be an understatement, you see when something like this happens, I don’t think how other people think – I don’t put a logical explanation like maybe he fell asleep, or they didn’t go out, or something else. No, my first thoughts are ‘what did I do? Why don’t they want me out with them? Is the young one trying to avoid me? Did they ask me out of pity? For a laugh?’

Then instead of getting an explanation tomorrow and going with it, I will just think its an excuse. I can’t help it. Paranoia is something I have had in heaps ever since I can remember, it’s the bane of my life and something I get accused of having often, which in turn makes me paranoid about having such obvious paranoia.

So I’m sitting here, wondering what the hell is wrong with me. When all of a sudden I start to get hypercritical about the state of my apartment, about the dishes on the side, the floors that really need sweeping and cleaning and I want to fix it, but being aware of making noise and pissing people off, I just (quietly) put the dishes away, bring in some washing to fold and start planning a major de-junking of my living space.

Its while planning that, that it hit me what my intentions were – you see when I moved out here (one year and three months ago) I came with a suitcase and holdall, I had sold everything that I had acquired over the years in the UK ready for my new start – so here I am living here for over a year and I have acquired junk again, I could not fit what I have now in that same suitcase and holdall and I think that’s what scares me.

Realising the fact that if it all went wrong tomorrow I could not pack up and leave just as easily as I arrived worries me, in knowing that this is worrying me I am seeing that I want to run again. When I was younger I ran away to my mind, to the secular living of non-reality, as a teenager I hid myself away at home for almost a year, as a young adult I escaped through drugs and drinks, sexual relationship to sexual relationship, moving from job to job, friends to friends, now I literally flee for real. Gone are the days when just moving on in my mind or local surroundings are enough, now I need to change towns, cities, countries.




3 responses

31 08 2008

I know how that paranoia feels. I’ve been put in situations like that and all I can think of is “Did I do something wrong” or “Am I that forgettable?”. I know those thoughts aren’t reasonable but that doesn’t stop them from coming.

I also feel like I’m running away a bit with my own move but at the same time it feels like running to a new life because there is very little left for me here.

Like your header says I wish I could be you for a day to better understand but at least in little glimpses I think I can relate. It’s good to know I’m not alone.

31 08 2008

You never know what goes through the mind of the other person. Let alone, what the third person thinks about you is totally insane. You being stood up, probably has nothing to do with you as a person, its just that some individuals think they have more power than the others to exploit the delicacies of human nature.

Running away, or moving away, or leaving the current state and getting into a new one are not the solutions. I tried that many a times. Left jobs, changed countries, ended relationships, but you gotta face it at some point. Changing spaces doesn’t change a lot of things. Because change is never constant. And you need a constant, that would help your state of mind, and drift ashore to a place where it makes a good sense and gets you a good baseline.

1 09 2008

I know the paranoia feeling, but that all stems back to feeling all the time that you dont belong, that there is something wrong, I found that I rejected people before they could reject me lol! Expected.
Really annoys me when you make plans and then are left hanging, and the stupid part is you are annoyed upset, but when you meet again…do you say anything lol!
As for running…tell me about that one…I ran to uni, ran here ran there, when ever things got to much, all broken around me…I would just pack up and go! Voom gone! New life, new start! My latest brain wave has been Spain lol! Problem is you can run and run and run…but you can never actually run away from you! Beleive me I tried it!

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