Acceptance

29 09 2008

My blogs lately have been depressing. I have no doubt that people who are reading are sick of hearing me bleat on about the situation I have put myself in … after all it was me that quit my job, its me that found my running shoes early in life and kept on running, and its me that’s running now.

I’ll be packing up the car in the next week and driving the 6 hours or so down to Southern Spain to look for what comes next. With nothing except one months wages, my few possessions and a heavy heart I’ll set off, but I know as the miles pass between here and there I will change, I will bit by bit forget about all that I am leaving and think only of the possibility of the unknown.

My life has changed drastically in three weeks. Nothing I do really surprises me anymore.

Fran paid me a visit last night, as you probably gathered from my last post. Fran doesn’t love me, nor does he know me in any other way apart from sexually. But he keeps me company sometimes and I am grateful for the affection in times of need. He asked me why I was moving and for some reason when I replied the obvious ‘because I have nothing here’ I found my eyes welling up, I fought back the tears and was thankful for the darkness so he couldn’t see. But its true, not having anything has always been a balm to me but it suddenly became such a sad statement to make.

I am 27, I have been lost for a long time and with no hope of ever being found or showed love I am finally admitting that I need to stop looking for change within myself. I am not a good person, my temper is quick, my moods legendry, I am selfish, I make mistakes at every corner. This is how I am, and people like me need to make an alternative life – we need not to put ourselves in situations where we can hurt or upset people.

I need to stop caring when I have done wrong. You see I know I am moody, I know I am over the top in my temper tantrums, my irritability is monstrous but I am always thinking I want to change and each time I do not I beat myself up, and now as I leave and I realise that nobody really cares if I am here or not I do not have many people to say goodbye too, not people who will wave me off and swap fake promises of keeping in touch. So this is it, this is my problem, I need to not keep trying to change who I am, I need to accept that I am always going to be this way that goodness is not something I will possess and find a life in which I can be a solitary being so I can cause the least amount of hurt in this world as possible.





Judgement Day

29 09 2008

Laying close together, arms and legs entwined, glistening skin upon skin … the smell of sweat, of bodies, of sex.

He fingers the necklace I am wearing

‘what do you call this in English?’
‘It’s a crucifix’ I reply my black eyes staring straight into his ‘you’ve just fucked me while God watches’

He squirms, tells me he is a non-believer, and also that its obvious I am too, haven’t I just blasphemed by keeping my rosaries around my neck while in the act?

Have I?

Does God look down on me, his messed up child, the one with the devil eyes and devil temper and think what a waste of creation time. Could I not have done better.

Does he watch every mistake I make and then sigh as he marks it down ready for my exclusion from paradise? Does he watch my excuse for a life with a heavy heart and wonder why I consistently defy the bibles version of what a good child of god should be like?

Or does he, in all his glory, understand that the reason I never ask him for anything is that I know I don’t deserve it. Does he understand that my need for affection, not given to me in normal life, comes from encounters such as these?

Does he emphasise with my thinking, that I don’t read or follow the bible as I long ago started my own journey to find my own understanding. Does he see that when I sit on the beach, on my own, with the rain lashing down on me that I love every piece of the earth, that my respect for nature and my adoration of everything he created is as real as the ground I stand on. Does he see that I, the forgotten girl, has always felt like the only place she simply belongs is as a solitary being experiencing the elements.

I don’t believe God judges me, I believe he leaves that it those who judge so quickly on this earth.





Random Ramblings

28 09 2008

Its taken me what seems like hours to eat a sandwich, every time I bring food near my mouth my stomach turns and my whole body wants to reject anything passing my lips.

My moods have been monstrous the last few days, even though I am leaving I am finding myself caring about what happens at work, enough to be a bitch to my co-workers.

What is it about people that winds me up so much? Why am I so sensitive? So irritable? I take everything as a personal slight against myself.

Sometimes I think its because I have spent so long knowing that I am nothing, that I am not ever going to be good, or the best at anything or even anything at all that when other people criticise me I bite. It must seem to an outside observer that I actually love myself very much – maybe too much.

How little they know.

The customers that come in the restaurant have in the majority been very nice, some have told me that they think I will always get on in life, they say this simply because when they see me every week or so I am ok, if you do not have to be around me a lot, if you see me just when I am running around the restaurant I know I can seem nice. I have had good luck wished on me.

My employees and co-workers cannot wait for me to go.

It looks like I am going to pack up the car and drive off next week, if I stay here longer than the 7th I will have to pay another months rent and I need as much money as I can get. I doubt my landlord will be impressed given that he has been good to me and I am not giving him notice. I think I might contact him tomorrow to let him know, but there is another side of me that knows once I have told him that’s it, its final I am leaving.

Its all happened so quickly. It almost doesn’t seem real.

Once again I am stepping out of my comfort zone, heading towards the unknown and this time it does not seem as exciting. I keep saying to people if I don’t like it I will come back, but knowing me I doubt I ever will. I doubt I will ever see any of these people again, doubt they will enter my head once the miles are between us.

I tend to always disassociate myself with the past. The past is the past. I run from me, but always have me but lose the memories of those that played part of my life before.





Always Moving

27 09 2008

I guess I should be singing that my bags are packed and I am ready to go – but I am not, nor are they yet packed.

I know I should be delighting in this turn of events, a new adventure, a new reinvention but this time as I say goodbye to not only the people I have met, but the sights and sounds that have become so familiar to me over the last 17 months I find that I am melancholy, the gypsy in me is raring to go. Longing to see new places, new lights, but the person in me that just wants to be settled and complete is sad because once again I find that I found a lot here … but still I never found myself! Never found somewhere that I can truly call home.

Next step looks like it will be Malaga, I finish work on Tuesday and then I am free to leave. I won’t be able to leave things too long as I have no money.

Broke, lost, confused, yet accepting … here I go again!





All Change in La La Land

23 09 2008

I have a lot to say.

In fact I have more than a lot to say.

But I am not saying anything much at all today.

I’m not running away this time.

I’m not …

honest.

Maybe I am running towards something – I just haven’t figured out what yet.





Belly-Dancing Blues

20 09 2008

I have a long list of things I really ought to be doing.

There is an ironing pile in my bedroom that has been growing for over a month. At the moment its impossible for me to actually look in my wardrobe and see anything ready to wear except a belly-dancing fancy dress costume that I bought last year for a birthday party.

I had this rather weird notion today that it would be amusing if I put on said costume and wore it throughout the day, from when I went to take my coffee this morning, to going food shopping and then on to work (only 12 days left … finding another job is also on that ever growing list!).

It would be interesting to see how people viewed me as I went about my daily business dressed as a cross between a Moroccan belly dancer and a whore (the costume wasn’t supposed to be that authentic!), especially if I made a point of keeping a straight face and acting confused when people asked me why I was wearing such an outfit.

I could always act even dumber and pretend I thought that belly-dancing costumes were this seasons new black.





Quitting

18 09 2008

I quit my job.

Not the brightest thing to do when you live in a tourist resort and now that the summer is over finding work is similar to find the love of you life i.e. near on impossible.

I keep looking around my apartment, and thinking I am going to lose everything.

Martin quit me.

Tonight I was out with the other half of what was supposed to be our summer foursome. I felt lonely, I felt ugly, I missed what might have been.

I am fed up with being the one always left behind, the thing nobody wants to keep.

I quit pretending.

In a nightclub full of 19 year olds I realised that my life is not going to be fulfilled in that way anymore. I feel out of touch. I could tell when I spoke nobody was interested in anything I had to say.

I finally saw the truth of me and it wasn’t pretty.

I need to quit alcohol.

As I sit here now, after courting the friendship of alcohol I feel more confused and hopeless than I did before. My answers cannot be found this way.

I’m a terrible drunk, manic depressive and aggressive. Its my true nature – its who I am.

I feel like quitting everything.

I’ve waited so many years for something to go right, for something to change, for something to give … to see a change in myself. Now I know my search is fruitless.

As I sit and think about the fact that I am going to lose everything, that my life is crashing down around me I realise that all I ever needed to do was simply not be.