Sinead Lohan – To Ramona

2 09 2008

Surely this is the most beautiful cover ever recorded.

This song has a very deep meaning for me, I see myself in the character of Ramona, too often I am telling myself and other people that I am not above or below anyone in this world but my actions rarely follow my words and I try to fit-in in worlds where I don’t belong or even exist in what is not the non-reality of my mind.

The only gift I was ever bestowed with in this life is words. Words that go largely unseen, journals documenting my actions and thoughts from as far back as 12 years old. Words that why not touching to others, not needed in a world where words run free, have been a balm to me in constant times of confusion and turmoil, of depression, of doubt, of fear, of extreme unhappiness.

I am a solitary being, I travel through time, places, friends I sit and listen, talk, laugh, debate and fight but I never really stay anywhere for long. I keep moving. In my need for attention I will place myself in the centre of a crowd but I never give everything. Even while sitting in the centre of the crowd, holding centre stage on conversation, being witty or in the other extreme argumentative I never really just ‘am’ amidst the people, the laughs, the ups and the downs I am constantly alone. I am constantly withholding.

In the book of time, I have no beginning and I see no end, one day I am there, amongst the people, included in the plans, sharing times the next day I am gone. Without a glance backwards, rarely do I ever revisit people or stages from my past. The only chains that pull me back are the ones to my childhood, to my family both to those I love, and to those that confuse and hurt me, that try as I might I cannot release myself from.

I am Ramona, always trying to deal with the dying.



3 responses

3 09 2008

Words are a beautiful gift. The Book of Time holds no beginning and no end for Time itself doesn’t begin and end. It goes on. In the Book of Time you travel down the roads where things, people and memories zoomed past. A second loss is lost forever.

It is the Book of Life that matters. It is where you will actually find yourself. You can’t release yourself from that of the past but you can learn from them so that they will be your strength to venture into a future of Hope. Perhaps I am not making any sense here.

By the way, love the song!

3 09 2008

Every time I come and read your blog you amaze me, its like reading pages from my own life, almost like talking with myself.
Your thoughts I understand so well, and so often when in crowds of people, I have never felt so alone.
This constant search for somthing though I have long since forgotten what it is I search for if I ever knew and I guess if I found it I would not even know what it is.

“I am a solitary being, I travel through time, places, friends I sit and listen, talk, laugh, debate and fight but I never really stay anywhere for long.”

Sings words that fit me well, often I feel like a shadow, drifting in and drifting out, never here for long, never in the same place for too long, I just up and go.

Pulled by the past and dragged into the future, but what I see in your words in a hidden beauty, you begin to emerge, though I dont think you see this yet.
Depsite the blackness that all consuming nothing you are filling the pages of life, and learning to breath, its not an easy path you follow, and all the answers we will probably never find, but you are finding yourself.
My own life is made up of many faces, each different each a part that fits a role, Licensee, my office role, my private role, my written role.
Your words sting and inspire, your gift is pure and true and beleive me when I say I know, in serious thoughts you should look at this as a pathway.
I heard this great song last night, I do not know what its called (helpful I know) but the chorous runs something like “I will never be a stepping stone” I think it is by Duffy…Listen out for it!

6 09 2008

As I read your words I feel as if I am reading from my own journals… things will show themselves to you in time… I am still waiting but I know it to be true… so I continue to wait…

This is a beautiful song.. and your writing is beautiful as well… true, you have been granted the gift of words

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