Alcohol Abuser

5 09 2008

I always knew there was a pretty big reason why my love/hate relationship with alcohol was always in the forefront of my mind, I consciously made an effort to stop getting drunk about two months ago and so far have been pretty good at sticking to it.

Mainly by avoiding spirits (vodka especially) and sitting there sipping small beers or alcopop type drinks I had started to think I was making a breakthrough with the well documented and well known problem I have with drunkenness.

Until last night.

My old friend vodka decided to win me over, I slipped back into his company like a well fitted but cheap dress – at the start of the night the fit is all that matters, it makes me feel sexy, confident by the end of the night the threads have come apart and I am left vulnerable, exposed, bare and angry.

Angry … god I hate that word, why am I so angry all the time? Why does drink turn me into more of a demoness. Why can’t I control it?

I ended up insulting a good friend of mine, had a tantrum, got left alone to walk home in the dark at five this morning, got found by friend, cried, changed my moods again, laughed, slept with him, got angry again, got left.

I have enough problems when I am sober without constantly abusing alcohol, which in turns makes me abuse others and most of all, lets myself be open to being abused.

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3 responses

5 09 2008
Lola Snow

Important things though:
1. You recognise what it does to your personality and subsequent behaviour, and take responsiblity (Would be very easy to blame others)
2. You recognise it is abuse of alcohol, not an unfortunate conincidence etc
3. You can remember what you did wrong, so you can make amends
So you slipped up, most important thing is to get back on track asap! Don’t beat yourself up too much because you will just feel crappy, and look for a way to make yourself feel better quickly ie alcohol. You’re human, you made a mistake, it happens.
Good thoughts
Lola x

5 09 2008
fixator

Hey there
I totally get what you are saying. Its been a year of trying to quite in total to varying degrees of success.
Had the same or similar experience just the other night when after having a couple I was totally over sensitive to people’s comments and behavior and I acted the fool…
Keep well

5 09 2008
Duma Key

Once more I read your words and see before me my own thoughts and life. Mr Smurnoff and I have shared many a time together and somehow he always convinces me that I am superman and can fight the world!
The drink works only for a short while to give you power, ease the thoughts and make you feel better, dulling the mind the world looks much better through the bottom of a glass, for a while, but as the evening draws on and the drink takes its grip you find your friend is really a snake with venom that leaves you more wounded than before.
Ok one night you went a little crazy, the big point is you realise after and you know before. Your friend will be your friend no matter what if they are worth keeping.
I see through your eyes much of my world, and my thoughts, much of what I myself have done or do today.
The key you have is that slowly you start to understand yourself, or find yourself, you are swiming inside you, looking for the surface.
As for anger, an emotion I feel well, It angers me much that my life has been far from normal, and everytime I stand on the platform of normality events beyond me come along. I often joke that when I finally get out of this hell hole and see the guy upstairs, I am going to ask for a refund as the guys sold me a lemon and must be having a laugh!
I agree with your passage in your comment on my blog about self exploration and the capacity to expand, though much holds back and life has been hard, I think your achivement is great, you are growing, not with the guidance of another, nor with hate or darkness, but as you.
Really if you think about it you have achived a hell of a lot more than most “normal” people!
I also find your thoughts inspiring, sometimes its like looking in a mirror reading what you write.

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