18 09 2008

I quit my job.

Not the brightest thing to do when you live in a tourist resort and now that the summer is over finding work is similar to find the love of you life i.e. near on impossible.

I keep looking around my apartment, and thinking I am going to lose everything.

Martin quit me.

Tonight I was out with the other half of what was supposed to be our summer foursome. I felt lonely, I felt ugly, I missed what might have been.

I am fed up with being the one always left behind, the thing nobody wants to keep.

I quit pretending.

In a nightclub full of 19 year olds I realised that my life is not going to be fulfilled in that way anymore. I feel out of touch. I could tell when I spoke nobody was interested in anything I had to say.

I finally saw the truth of me and it wasn’t pretty.

I need to quit alcohol.

As I sit here now, after courting the friendship of alcohol I feel more confused and hopeless than I did before. My answers cannot be found this way.

I’m a terrible drunk, manic depressive and aggressive. Its my true nature – its who I am.

I feel like quitting everything.

I’ve waited so many years for something to go right, for something to change, for something to give … to see a change in myself. Now I know my search is fruitless.

As I sit and think about the fact that I am going to lose everything, that my life is crashing down around me I realise that all I ever needed to do was simply not be.




7 responses

18 09 2008
Alcohol Posts » Quitting

[…] Lou-Lou wrote a fantastic post today on “Quitting”Here’s ONLY a quick extractI need to quit alcohol. As I sit here now, after courting the friendship of alcohol I feel more confused and hopeless than I did before. My answers cannot be found this way. I’ma terrible drunk, manic depressive and aggressive. … […]

18 09 2008
Duma Key

“I’ve waited so many years for something to go right, for something to change, for something to give … to see a change in myself. Now I know my search if fruitless. ”

So many times have I thought this very thought, always waiting for a change, a magic wish where everything is all ok, hanging on for a crumb of happiness.
Though you do change, its the slow self realisation of who you are, and the depths of you. Possibly the isolation you feel is prehapes as you really start to emerge from the shadows and seek out your place in life.
Drink dulls the pain a while but then makes matters worse as it fades and leaves you with an emptiness.
You are becoming a full and unique person, you have a strong sense of loyalty and honest heart which shows through in your blogs and in the comments you leave for others. These are you strengths these are part of you.
We all do crazy things at times, and often at these times as one door closes another opens, just wait and see.
BTW where abouts in Spain are you? I have friends that own a couple of bars out there, though they are all out towards Murcia and La Manga!

18 09 2008
Duma Key

Thanks for your comments on my post, your are in many ways very wise. Drink has a similar effect on me! Though I have learnt to control it, well the anger side. My biggest fear was turning out like my parents where violance was always first. Alcohol acts as a depressant, and makes things worse, though we use it often as a prop, kills the pain for a while and makes everything seem possible. I realised when my bin was more full of beer cans, wine bottles and good old Mr Smurnoff that the answer is not there and I had to take control. I know when I am going to hit a low as my drinking increases!
Relationships are really hard on two scales 1) is trust you actually have to trust someone else, and when all you know is rejection, and love is something alien that is no easy feat, 2) You have to let people in again when you spend your whole life building walls to keep you safe not easy. Took me years to learn this, many people just saw me as a loner, in an aid to fit in I actually distanced myself. I often see that I have never changed, the realisation dawns and I wonder what is right, prehapes my view was wrong.
I have to agree with you re the emotionally old comments, I think in many ways we are old before our time and have experianced things many people never encounter or understand, My friends often come to me for advice, or thoughts, but then I am well known for saying as it is and often not what I think they want to hear, this wisdom sets us apart sometimes.
Those old hurts come back time and time again, I am bitter at the chances I never had, but there is nothing I can do to change the past, nor can you, however you already hold the key to the future you just got to alow yourself to unlock the door.
Although you feel like a nobody, you are indeed a somebody, a bright and articulate girl and as you said to me….I wish you could see that!
Things will work out often when something drops something else falls into place and leads to better things even if at the time we do not see.
I know Torravieja, though I avoid as to tourist for me…when I go to Spain I slip away from people. My friends have some bar’s around the area and I know they were looking at one near the Mar Menor, I love that place, probably one of my fav places! Though they live in Pinar de Campoverde, Near Horadada I can check with them if they have work…they have been on at me for ages to come and manage one of there bars…can never get good honest people!

18 09 2008

In my younger years (i.e. before it was legal for me) I had a bit of a love affair with alcohol. I had to quit it because it was making me into a person I didn’t want to be. I’m glad I did, though, since I recently discovered how both depression and alcoholism run in my family.

Don’t lose hope just yet, Lou Lou. Quiting might actually be the best thing you can do. Just as long as after quiting you start again. Start over and start better. You’re still young and you can still choose what your life is going to be, no one else gets that privilage.

Could I be praying for you?

25 09 2008

there are no words… i can not say I relate… i can not say i understand… pain is relative and sharing can be subjective… we all have our stories… we all have our own pain… just know that in this world, this crazy world filled with billions of people… whether complete strangers or close friends… we all have our lives… our decisions… our pain… and although it is difficult to do… we must realize that we are not as alone in our pain
Every single one of us will have forks in the road of life, choices that will take us to comfort or pain… yet one day it will lead us to where we need to be… But until then, we are so incredibly near to one another, we have so much in common… we all have stories to tell… Do not quit… if we all quit what would the world do?

I hope i do not sound altruistic… it is simply that I do understand… and one day you will too… hang in there

29 09 2008

Like Enreal I cannot know what what you are personally suffering. I can empathize and ask you to remember that your not alone, no matter how alone you may feel right now.

My writing isn’t flowing well at the moment so instead I will just ask you to consider the possibility that pain is our teacher. Hiding from pain is very tempting and each of us has our own ways of numbing oursleves. Mine was drink and virtual reality games. However, if pain is our teacher, then the more time we spend in class with her the faster we will learn what she is trying to tell us. Hiding from her simply prolongs the lesson.

Someone once said that “We listen to good advice; Pain, we obey”

Finally, heres something that really helped me when I was where you are now.




3 10 2008

i like the way that you write.

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