Random Ramblings

28 09 2008

Its taken me what seems like hours to eat a sandwich, every time I bring food near my mouth my stomach turns and my whole body wants to reject anything passing my lips.

My moods have been monstrous the last few days, even though I am leaving I am finding myself caring about what happens at work, enough to be a bitch to my co-workers.

What is it about people that winds me up so much? Why am I so sensitive? So irritable? I take everything as a personal slight against myself.

Sometimes I think its because I have spent so long knowing that I am nothing, that I am not ever going to be good, or the best at anything or even anything at all that when other people criticise me I bite. It must seem to an outside observer that I actually love myself very much – maybe too much.

How little they know.

The customers that come in the restaurant have in the majority been very nice, some have told me that they think I will always get on in life, they say this simply because when they see me every week or so I am ok, if you do not have to be around me a lot, if you see me just when I am running around the restaurant I know I can seem nice. I have had good luck wished on me.

My employees and co-workers cannot wait for me to go.

It looks like I am going to pack up the car and drive off next week, if I stay here longer than the 7th I will have to pay another months rent and I need as much money as I can get. I doubt my landlord will be impressed given that he has been good to me and I am not giving him notice. I think I might contact him tomorrow to let him know, but there is another side of me that knows once I have told him that’s it, its final I am leaving.

Its all happened so quickly. It almost doesn’t seem real.

Once again I am stepping out of my comfort zone, heading towards the unknown and this time it does not seem as exciting. I keep saying to people if I don’t like it I will come back, but knowing me I doubt I ever will. I doubt I will ever see any of these people again, doubt they will enter my head once the miles are between us.

I tend to always disassociate myself with the past. The past is the past. I run from me, but always have me but lose the memories of those that played part of my life before.



One response

13 10 2008

Perhaps telling your landlord and starting this feeling of “I’m leaving” will help you put things a little more in to perspective.

(I realise that this is about week past the 7th now so this may be pointless but I’m playing catch up on your blog this morning)

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