29 09 2008

My blogs lately have been depressing. I have no doubt that people who are reading are sick of hearing me bleat on about the situation I have put myself in … after all it was me that quit my job, its me that found my running shoes early in life and kept on running, and its me that’s running now.

I’ll be packing up the car in the next week and driving the 6 hours or so down to Southern Spain to look for what comes next. With nothing except one months wages, my few possessions and a heavy heart I’ll set off, but I know as the miles pass between here and there I will change, I will bit by bit forget about all that I am leaving and think only of the possibility of the unknown.

My life has changed drastically in three weeks. Nothing I do really surprises me anymore.

Fran paid me a visit last night, as you probably gathered from my last post. Fran doesn’t love me, nor does he know me in any other way apart from sexually. But he keeps me company sometimes and I am grateful for the affection in times of need. He asked me why I was moving and for some reason when I replied the obvious ‘because I have nothing here’ I found my eyes welling up, I fought back the tears and was thankful for the darkness so he couldn’t see. But its true, not having anything has always been a balm to me but it suddenly became such a sad statement to make.

I am 27, I have been lost for a long time and with no hope of ever being found or showed love I am finally admitting that I need to stop looking for change within myself. I am not a good person, my temper is quick, my moods legendry, I am selfish, I make mistakes at every corner. This is how I am, and people like me need to make an alternative life – we need not to put ourselves in situations where we can hurt or upset people.

I need to stop caring when I have done wrong. You see I know I am moody, I know I am over the top in my temper tantrums, my irritability is monstrous but I am always thinking I want to change and each time I do not I beat myself up, and now as I leave and I realise that nobody really cares if I am here or not I do not have many people to say goodbye too, not people who will wave me off and swap fake promises of keeping in touch. So this is it, this is my problem, I need to not keep trying to change who I am, I need to accept that I am always going to be this way that goodness is not something I will possess and find a life in which I can be a solitary being so I can cause the least amount of hurt in this world as possible.




7 responses

29 09 2008

It’s kind of odd how it works out but I must admit that I’ve come to care quite a bit about you and your well being just by reading your blog.

30 09 2008

You know, Lou, you’re right when you said you’ve to accept yourself. Everyone does. And if you accept that you can’t change yourself, then the alternative way is to improve yourself – starting from little things. It may take a while but don’t give up on it.

And then, you were wrong when you said you’re lost with no hope of being found or shown love. No human, man or woman, elder, adult or child deserves that fate – no one. Sure, it doesn’t come with a click of the fingers but there are people who would care about you.

As long as you don’t lose your faith in yourself, you will find this kind of people.

Hugs from a friend for you!

30 09 2008
Duma Key

“I am 27, I have been lost for a long time and with no hope of ever being found or showed love I am finally admitting that I need to stop looking for change within myself. I am not a good person, my temper is quick, my moods legendry, I am selfish, I make mistakes at every corner. This is how I am, and people like me need to make an alternative life – we need not to put ourselves in situations where we can hurt or upset people. ”

You are intelegent and wise beyond your time, and though I feel the same in many ways as you, going down this road will only lead to your unhappiness, to another wasted life.

Through your words you shine, through your thoughts you stand out and though the world is black your beam shines loud and clear. You are trying to accept something you are not, you are trying to be someone who you are not in order to shut out the world.
You need to accept the colour of you, the stance and style of who you are and the fact you are an amazing person, with a good heart that has been dealt a poor set of cards, yet still trys to play the game to her best.
Running does not work, I have lost track of how many times I have run, from one place to the next, how many people have come and gone from my life, and in trying to do your best you keep people at bay as you are affraid of yourself.
Moods and anger…lol story of my life though over time I have learnt to control my anger and my moods, that beast with in me still trys to come out and play, though I refuse to let him, refuse to accept this part of me, it is so easy to give in to what I am not, much harder to hold on to what I am. You have been pushed down the tracks of life the wrong way, and somehow now feel that is where you belong, yet it is clear to me and most likly anyone who reads your words, this is most certainly not where you belong.
Where I stand now is not a good place, and I find myself unable to actually understand or navigate the position I am in, though I could leave it all behind, catch a flight to Spain and go manage one of my friends bars, finish a few more books, but would I really be acheiving anything? I have forced myself to stay, though I have never been more affraid in my life. I dont know all the answers, none of us do, though I see a lot in you and understand and know where you are coming from, all I can say is that things will improve, and prehapes may be it is time to stop laying the blame at your own door and unfastening that rock that holds you back. I have no idea how my world will pan out from here on in, though things change and the most recent stuff I have written in real time has been the most powerful words that have found there way to me, give it a chance? What have you got to loose? At the end of it, if things dont work I will probably just up and head over to Spain safe in the knowledge I tried, if they do I will probably still end up in Spain but this time I wont be running.
You are far from the forgotten girl, you just dont see it, you have forgotten yourself.
I hope this helps…and makes sense!

1 10 2008

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

There is nothing wrong with solitary… it is simply a societal definition… in all reality we travel alone… are and always be alone… acceptance is freedom… we are alone… and at the same time this freedom brings us together in another sense… does that make sense?

I must say I agree with Duma key… you are far from the forgotten girl…

4 10 2008
Den Relojo

Don’t be anxious if your blog seems depressing. Because a blog is an effective avenue for us vent out our nasty feelings. Venting out may take a creative form too, you may post arty pics here so that your blog won’t have that lonely because of your depressed mood.

Hey, you told me that someone is using my identity. Could you lease send me the exact thing that you’ve got?


29 12 2008

I could have named my blog by the same title. I even tried to use the best of a photograph that I had of myself and that was one eye, to put on my custom header. The eyes that you have used are must better. I think my reasoning was that you could see me looking at you, but don’t dare look at me. I get you “Forgotten Girl,” perhaps more than you and I know. You may be more of a candidate for growth and change than you realize. It may just be a matter of being given the right tools and being pointed in the right direction. But not until you are thoroughly tired of running. You are no less worthy to live a good life of loving relationships, than the rest of us humans. Don’t give up on YOU!

14 01 2009

Hey Righetouschoices, thank you for your comment, I cannot come by your blog and return the favour as you have not left me the link, maybe if you drop in here again you could let me know how I find you on the internet!

For the last few months my writing has been lapse but today it seems that your comment is right I think we are worthy of growth and change, however weird it is to others growth is happening within us every time we try and fail. Writing is calling me back, change is calling me back here and I want to share. Thank you so much for your comment and I hope I get to know you better!

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