Judgement Day

29 09 2008

Laying close together, arms and legs entwined, glistening skin upon skin … the smell of sweat, of bodies, of sex.

He fingers the necklace I am wearing

‘what do you call this in English?’
‘It’s a crucifix’ I reply my black eyes staring straight into his ‘you’ve just fucked me while God watches’

He squirms, tells me he is a non-believer, and also that its obvious I am too, haven’t I just blasphemed by keeping my rosaries around my neck while in the act?

Have I?

Does God look down on me, his messed up child, the one with the devil eyes and devil temper and think what a waste of creation time. Could I not have done better.

Does he watch every mistake I make and then sigh as he marks it down ready for my exclusion from paradise? Does he watch my excuse for a life with a heavy heart and wonder why I consistently defy the bibles version of what a good child of god should be like?

Or does he, in all his glory, understand that the reason I never ask him for anything is that I know I don’t deserve it. Does he understand that my need for affection, not given to me in normal life, comes from encounters such as these?

Does he emphasise with my thinking, that I don’t read or follow the bible as I long ago started my own journey to find my own understanding. Does he see that when I sit on the beach, on my own, with the rain lashing down on me that I love every piece of the earth, that my respect for nature and my adoration of everything he created is as real as the ground I stand on. Does he see that I, the forgotten girl, has always felt like the only place she simply belongs is as a solitary being experiencing the elements.

I don’t believe God judges me, I believe he leaves that it those who judge so quickly on this earth.

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2 responses

30 09 2008
glaize

God doesn’t judge you entirely based on who you are to the world. He knows you inside out.

30 09 2008
Duma Key

Wow, you never fail to amaze me, this is a really power set of words, the gravety and depth of your writing holds a power that grips.

I have run through such thoughts at times myself, I often wonder why? I mean if this “God” is good then why let a child, an inocent suffer in a world full of crulety and emotional sting.

The fact of the matter is though, that you are a beautiful person trying to find something you have never really seen, or felt, trying to hold on in a world that has closed all doors to you and leaves you outside in the cold. Yet you still hang on, you still try to make the parts fit, you still try to find a way.
Your heart is pure, despite the blackness and the harsh realitys of the life you have had to face, you still stand strong, your light still shines, and you try to evolve.
Step by step your answers will come, day by day you will grow.

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