Just Another Lost Soul

12 10 2008

I was sitting on the sofa in my apartment, legs crossed, glass of Cava in my hand, his sitting on my rug back leaning against the sofa.

We’re talking the idle crap that seems to come so easily, he is telling about a problem with a guy he works with … I’m listening and commenting but when it comes to me sharing my ill-fated Malaga adventure I breeze over the facts and tell him just a simple outline. He is looking at me, I can sense the confusion and I have learnt very quickly that he always asks when he wants to know something.

He is telling me that I confuse him, he can’t work out if I want to be with him or not, his telling me sometimes he thinks I do and then he thinks I don’t. I try to tell him in my haphazard way that this is just how I am. I want to tell him not to expect too much from me but I don’t. He continues thinking outloud:

‘how do I get to know someone who is cold?’

I don’t have an answer. He will never know me. I turn it into a joke and tell him the last place on earth he wants to be is in my head. I don’t want to be there all the time he states but just to know something every now and then would be good.

I carry on drinking, the bubbles have gone to my head and I am feeling light – we joke and laugh and talk about random situations in life. His telling me that he does not ever want to have children and I find myself feeling for the children he will never have, he has such a gentleness, it seems to my untrained eye that he would make a wonderful parent.

The more he talks to me, the more I am thinking that in my confusion right now about my life I have missed something about him. Being me, I go to the my room and pull out the black bag that holds my tarot cards – just for fun I tell him, are you going to share what they say he wants to know. No, no its just for me, I want to know.

He’s stuck.

It’s so simple why did I not see it without the cards. He has spent time just being, being this easy going calm man, loving and giving to all around him, befriending the earth and the people but really he is lost. His cards hold so much hope but all of them reversed – so much to give, so much good to be had, but his stuck. Unsure about what to be or where to go. We’re stuck in this moment together and for some reason that makes me want to reach out to him more. This is not forever, this is our moment to join and be.

After that we get back to being lighter, I feel safer in the knowledge that for all his confidence he is just another lost person.

We’re pulling at clothes on my sofa, the cheap champagne helping us along, his rougher this time but even the pain comes with a form of gentleness. It’s the morning, he is leaving to go to work I get up to see him out and then start my own day, trekking around looking for work. Nothing. Nada. Every road seems to take me to a dead end.

In the afternoon he is calling me ‘I just need to come to your house for a moment’ I open the door and he kisses me, he spent no more than three minutes here and it was just to kiss me.

If I was another girl I would be left with warm feelings. If he was another man who I knew would play the game I would be left with warm feelings. As it is, I was left feeling nothing but guilt.

I managed to avoid seeing him last night and then again tonight. Instead I have sat in my apartment and wiled the hours away on the net, I have no motivation, no money and as the depression sets in I withdraw from the world.

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3 responses

13 10 2008
shortdigitalpictures

You shouldn’t feel guilty.. Coldness, being cold, what the hell is that even? Maybe he’s just too closed up to see the warmth. They’re just words and informel rules on how a person “should” be. I recognize myself a lot in what you write and i’ve linked your blog. hope that’s ok, otherwise let me know and i’ll remove the link 🙂

20 10 2008
Duma Key

May be you are affraid, are your really lost in a moment, or affraid to step out of one? Words left unsaid, become dead, and live in silent regret. I usually just say what I see easier that way.
You seem very confused with you, may be step back and reach for the flow, listen a while to the pulse that beats underneath and reach for it.
The gravity and depth of your words always inspires me as I said earlier, I think you lack a beleif in your real abilitys in who you are and your own light, may be not so much on the surface but deeper down, a pull from your childhood, there is so much that comes through in your words, you bloom but do not see this, and doubt yourself….sometimes coming here is like looking in the mirror…I see myself, through life.

7 11 2008
chloe

when i read cava i thought you meant the drink from fiji (being, kava); i tried that when i was there, my boyfriend & i bought some home with us
🙂 i like it
but reading on i see it’s champas 🙂

i can relate to this entry, withdrawing from everything (in the past) ❤

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