Insomnia, Tears and a kick in the teeth!

23 10 2008

I’ve been lapse in posting here, mostly because I was sick of thinking about the same things minute after minute, hour after hour .

Tonight I broke.

A few days ok I got offered a little work doing telesales from home, nothing too great but at least it was money. Thing is I didn’t have a phone line but I got around it by getting a SKYPE opt in number and using that, luckily for me it only cost just over 4 euro (per month) to set up and I was allowed to just pay one month, I just about had it in my UK account from money that I had got before. So home phoneline – check. Next, because the calls had to be routed through the PC I needed a headset thing so I had a mic … off I go to the Chinese shop and managed to buy one for 7 euros, headset check.

So off I go, and while the money isn’t going to help that much (10 euro’s the first day, 20 the next) at least it was something coming to me at the end of the month. I have nothing now. I don’t possess credit cards or anything so can’t go down the route so this little bit of money seemed like a life-saver.

This week has been hard, I’ve been living on pate and toast because I can’t afford to buy anything else, I haven’t had a cigarette in two days (which is enough to make me a crank anyway) I feel like a prisoner in this apartment, I can’t even go and have a coffee or a drink with my friends the only time I get out is when I actually make myself go for a walk or something just to feel like I’m still alive – I haven’t seen anyone because I just don’t want to face them I feel like a fucking failure.

Then tonight was the breaking point I went to make some calls and the mic on the headphones has gone (teaches me to buy cheap shit) I bought them from the chinease cheap shop so they won’t exchange them and that means that the little bit of money I could make has gone.

I sat on my apartment floor and cried – maybe it was months of frustration, I don’t know but all of a sudden I felt like the most loneliest, stupidest person on this whole planet – it always seems that when life is on a downhill curve everything just keeps kicking you down everytime you try and move up.

I’m not in general a crying girl – in drink maybe – but not in normal, I think deeply for sure we all know that, I hurt myself with words but actually breaking down is not something that I do often and the more the tears came the more I couldn’t stop them. it was like I was looking at myself for what I really was. For all the things that have happened in the last month I left my job, had a massive falling out with my sister, can’t pay my rent, can’t get a job, can’t even buy food. I fucking hate my life and myself right now.

I know this entry sounds aggressive but my aggression is with myself. I’ve always knew I am a nothing, I’ve always knew that I would fail but the truth is I always knew I would fail at relationships, at holding things together, at holding my moods together but to actually fail as spectacularly as I am right now is surpassing my own grim expectations. I’ve never given myself leeway to just let myself be because I know all my shortcomings, I’m my hardest critic – I get there before anyone else because its easier that way, if I know in my mind what I am then when others tell me it doesn’t hurt so much.

The stark reality is that I mess up everything I touch and right now I just keep getting kicked in the teeth.

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14 responses

23 10 2008
mossy

From Rumi

I am part of the load
Not rightly balanced
I drop off in the grass,
like the old Cave-sleepers, to browse
wherever I fall.

For hundreds of thousands of years I have been dust-grains
floating and flying in the will of the air,
often forgetting ever being
in that state, but in sleep
I migrate back. I spring loose
from the four-branched, time -and-space cross,
this waiting room.

I walk into a huge pasture
I nurse the milk of millennia

Everyone does this in different ways.
Knowing that conscious decisions
and personal memory
are much too small a place to live,
every human being streams at night
into the loving nowhere, or during the day,
in some absorbing work.

http://www.squidoo.com/poetry-by-mewlana-jalaluddin-rumi-5

23 10 2008
Robbie

I wouldn’t say that you’ve failed.
Living in a foreign country is extremely hard. I’ve been fortunate and had lots–and I mean an incredible amount–of help from family and friends.
Plus it’s especially hard when you live in a town that relies heavily on tourism.

It’s great that you’ve got a job.
Could you ask for some help from friends to get a decent set of headphones/mic?
Even if you have a set of normal headphones/earphones you can just get a standalone mic.

The best thing about this sort of work though is you can do it anywhere. If you decided to move to a bigger city you could carry on doing the work while looking for other jobs.

If it’s not working out for you where you are it might be good to look back at your idea of Malaga (or one of the other big cities)

I hope your able to lift your spirits and not let all this get too on top of you.

23 10 2008
Visionary

Whist your in the midst of everything going wrong, it’s hard to imagine that it might be for the best.

What if everything was actually going right? What if it’s just that you couldn’t accept that it was right? What if a part of you with a longer term view of what was best for you and a more holistic sense of who you are and what you need was refusing to let you settle for less than exactly what you needed.

Could the feeling of hopelessness come from the futility of trying to ignore the voice of your inner guide even though know it will never be silent? I know thats how it was for me but I can only see that now with the benefit of hindsight.

Love V

Read Louise Hay – You Can Heal Your Life – please x

23 10 2008
Visionary

PS take a look at this article I wrote – it may help?

http://www.saveourspecies.net/2008/10/19/good-bad-who-knows/

23 10 2008
Tylor

I’m still praying for you. Any other way I can help.

24 10 2008
shortdigitalpictures

hi darling, thanks for your lovely words. it’s nice that someone finds my words interesting.

your post..i don’t know what to say. i don’t have witty comment like everyone lese that comments your blog.

I know what you’re going through believe or not i was in the sae position when i was 17 and got kicked out of my home. had no money, no one to talk to and all i did was beat down on myself the way you do. but there’s so much out there, you haven’t failed yourself or anyone. tell me one other person that would stay and try in your situation? everyone would fly home. but you don’t, cause you have a strenght you’re not even aware of yourself. everyone reading your blog sees this and your writing captures people, well me atleast : ).

Look i know this sounds weird (but who cares?) but i can send you 20 quid if you want. you don’t have to worry about it or think about it. it’s simple and i spend that money on shite anyways. you could get a descent headset for it and atleast that would help in some way. i have a ‘contact’ page on my blog that’s attached to my email.
jaysus i really ope ya don’t think i’m a nutcase now!! i just can’t bare sitting ang going ‘it’ll be grand blablabla” if i was me i would have wanted someone to go ‘ok what can I do do help?” not the endless ‘i know how you feel blablabla”

hope you feel a bit better today xxx

24 10 2008
Duma Key

“I’ve always knew that I would fail but the truth is I always knew I would fail at relationships, at holding things together, at holding my moods together but to actually fail as spectacularly as I am right now is surpassing my own grim expectations. I’ve never given myself leeway to just let myself be because I know all my shortcomings, I’m my hardest critic – I get there before anyone else because its easier that way, if I know in my mind what I am then when others tell me it doesn’t hurt so much.

The stark reality is that I mess up everything I touch and right now I just keep getting kicked in the teeth.”

So many times have these thoughts run through my own head, my own mind,
Particually this section
“I get there before anyone else because its easier that way, if I know in my mind what I am then when others tell me it doesn’t hurt so much.”

The need to breakdown and cry, sometimes is needed just to let it all out. I am guessing you like myself keep the world at bay, when times are hard, when you have problems, you lock yourself away, keep the world out and try to find your way through. I never show weakness, or issues, always a smile always an image, but then again that is all we know.
I have been in the same place you are in now, and its hard, no food, no money, dragging one day to the next unable to escape the prison that bounds.
Dont take this out of context, but drop me an e-mail I have some friends in Spain who may be able to help on the job front if you like? I can send you details and then its up to you, not sure if they have anything though I am planning on a trip as soon as my notice period is over in my office job and I am free.
Dont be so hard upon yourself, the very fact you are keeping things together is an indication of who you are, many people would be on the floor searching for sympathy, unable to cope, yet still you are trying.
I seriously think you need to look at writing as well, more longer term, though short term there are some things you can do online and make a little cash, just make sure you read carefully all the stuff! You certainly have a tallent for this.
Hold on to yourself, you though you do not see this have become so much more than “the nothing” you once were told you were.

26 10 2008
compleximplicity

think of it this way, at least you’re out there and away, i feel exactly the same as you except i’m at home so you’re not a failure because you escaped, and you are out there in a different place trying to make it work.

sometime a breakdown is needed just to get everything out of your system and it gives you strength to carry on.

everything i touch is literally cursed, relationships, job, career, family, money, i have nothing, literally honest to god and i’m at my wit’s end. you’ve got to focus on something positive, there must be one tiny element that makes you calm. it’s an experimental question, because i’m still searching for that one thing that makes me calm…..

28 10 2008
mossy

How’r them teeth doing? :O)

I hope that you are ok.

28 10 2008
Duma Key

Hope things are looking up for you

29 10 2008
chloe

hi there you wrote on duma keys blog ; “just before you move forward you have to go back to face the memories, keep delving – as painful as they might seem, reliving them is actually the first step to letting go.” – i really love it!
i also believe the same thing, i relive the past just to make sure i am moving forward with my life

🙂
i like your post here & if you don’t mind, i could like to use your quote in my next post(?) x

29 10 2008
katieleigh

you have a really enjoyable style of writing, even when writing about the pain or anguish it’s still really beautiful and i think it’s a rare talent to find. especially now where writing and expression isn’t what it used to be.

x

29 10 2008
chloe

this year has been rather tough, but i have managed to pull through okay. i think i am stronger than ever.
thanks for your belief that i can make a positive change for next year. your words were really inspiring x

30 10 2008
Lou-Lou

Thank you all for your comments – you have no idea how much they have meant to be and continue to mean!

Compleximplicy – I would return the favour but unfortunately you did not leave me a link to your blog! I too, am still searching for the thing in my life that brings me calmness and inner peace. Sadly it is not something/someone I have ever possessed!

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