Times need to be changing!

12 11 2008

Sometimes when I read back on my entries I truly wonder how I ever wrote them – or I try and recapture the feelings I was feeling when I did but fail too.

It often seems I am so many different people in one body that even I find keeping up with me and with the intensity in the way I feel things very difficult. Just as soon as the intensity wears a little I run, I hide, I jump or the person I have the feelings for gets there first.

I was told last night in conversation that I am the kind of girl that people look to for sexual friendships – nothing more serious – when I asked why they said it was hard to describe but in an inept way it basically boiled down to the way I go hot and cold and more than that at the way I carry on. Despite the side of me you see here, despite the words that fly free from me when I write, in real life my words come with less depth, with less meaning. I can be many things to many people, but mostly I am known as a party girl.

This is not even a quality because when it comes to me being labelled as a party girl it means that I out-drink, out-do, out-party and also…well we all know I have some issues with being promiscuous. I tend to crave highs in life. Its like doing wrong is an addiction and I live in the moment, the knowledge it will hurt me in tomorrow is never a concept I think about.

I guess as I am getting older I am realising the highs – why great – are not good for my long term well being. Its time I hung my hat up on these years when I watch the sun came up in different beds, or on drugs or drink, or in other random places/situations where its not healthy for me to be.

I don’t want to be the girl that’s left behind, I don’t want to be the girl that’s tagged or labelled – though I can’t say its other people’s opinions that bother me that much, its more that this life isn’t making me happy anymore. I want more.

I guess I have never felt deserving of more, so I took the image that I created and run a solo relay race holding on with dear life to that baton. But now, when I look at myself I still see all that is lacking, I still know I am never going to be quite as sane as others, or ever be labelled as calm or laid back, but still I am beginning to think I deserve just as much as the next person.

The way I suddenly felt about Anthony and how much I wanted the security that his love would bring, brought this all back – I know deep inside that I crave love almost as much as I crave the highs, I know I do, I look for affection and friendship in places that I know its not going to last but still I look for it as it seems like my only option.

It’s time to try and turn my life around – I want more than this.

Maybe that’s why this song seems to be fitting to me now.

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7 responses

12 11 2008
Tylor

You are deserving even if it doesn’t feel like it. You’re just as deserving and valuable as anyone else.

Someday I’d like to be able to give you a hug.

13 11 2008
mossy

It is helpful to know what you value more and what you value less.

13 11 2008
chloe

i too have felt this exact same way the past week, or so.
i have my old blog/s saved to my computer & i venture back there to read some of my deepest & most emotional posts.
don’t be ashamed of living in the moment & trying new things, partying hard isn’t a crime, trust me.
i am giving up that part of my life on NYE no more, it’s loosing it’s touch & it’s appeal
</3

i hope you can turn your life around, i know how hard it is & how hard it will be to “change” & give up the highs, for something that probably will never live up to it but it’s for the better; well that’s what i am telling myself

what’s weird when i read your blog, i find myself in parts of your posts
& i too posted an entry with pinks sober
hrm; too close for home(?)

take care xxx

13 11 2008
shortdigitalpictures

Hi hun,

aw you don’t have to thank me. The truth is that I really wish I dared clicking “publish” on the things that realy mattered but i’m a scardy-cat. I’m doing okay thanks, still stick and back and forth to doc’s but I quit my job! which is good an dbad, there’s a recession going on and I go and quit. Smart girl y’kno. Then rest of the time I’m fighting with my landlord bout the mould in our apartment. Just haven’t felt like posting much aswell when my blog is (atleast supposed to be) about comparing life in different countries. I have a major dry in inspiration lately.
I love that pic aswell, it defines a lot of my feelings lately but i can’t write so i put the pic up instead.

” guess I have never felt deserving of more, so I took the image that I created and run a solo relay race holding on with dear life to that baton. But now, when I look at myself I still see all that is lacking, I still know I am never going to be quite as sane as others, or ever be labelled as calm or laid back, but still I am beginning to think I deserve just as much as the next person.”

You do deserve as much as the next person and even more. I found that when I stopped wanting to be the average Joe with everything that it meant, I started feeling better about myself and what I deserved. The difference between you adn the average Joe is that he doesn’t think about things or look at his concsious and bad decisions. he sweeps them under the rug and goes home to his wife. You look in the mirror and look at every part of yourself -it makes you become your worst enemy beating yourself up. That image you’re speaking about is something youc an change, and I think you’ve already done it without knowing it. No matter what you have been through, you do deserve much more in life. Do you really want the closet monster (and the real ones) to win?

oh god i’m so full of myself sometimes loulou. I’m just trying to explain stuff without telling everyone on this blog who and what I am and it’s a bit difficult. Get facebook!! haha.

xxxxx

16 11 2008
Paula

I know what you mean about feeling like you have different people inside you – I can definitely identify!

21 11 2008
Carole York

I love your blog. The way you let it all hang out. I’m under pressure at the moment but I will definitely be saving it to my favourites and have a proper read of it later. Good for you. You go girl!

21 11 2008
enreal

The real choice and change lie in your happiness… love will follow… the changes you seek are ones of peace and hope… you shall find what you need when you need… be at peace and love yourself! Sending my energy to you!

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