Sexual Secrets

16 01 2009

The last few months my blog has lapsed, not simply because I did not have time, or I did not want to write, but more so because I did not want to share what I was doing.

I make a lot of mistakes, I have always been honest about the legendry fuck ups I make in my life. More so, I put myself out here for all to judge me and wear the clueless to real life award I gave myself on my sleeve like a protection from having to be sensible.

We all know how I felt when I could not find work, being in a strange country alone is hard enough without being in one where you can’t make your rent payments and because of your lack of money the social life that you have created falls by the wayside, so the loneliness that you can feel anyway from being far away from all that is familiar becomes tenfold when the make-shift family (your friends) are out of the loop of your life.

I have mentioned before on here that I had started doing phone sex as a way to make money. Its not something I ever thought about doing but the more I tried to find work and the more I found nothing the more I began to feel that I was going to have to return to the UK with my tail between my legs so I resisted. I spent days/weeks on the internet trying to find jobs or other ways to make money when I came across a site that told me about being a Phone Sex Operator, it seemed that it was money for nothing and through the site I managed to build some fantastic friendships with the women who were doing the same job.

Despite peoples stereotypes these women are not sexual deviants sitting at the end of a line playing with themselves, more often than not they are family based women who are trying to earn some extra money while their children are in bed. Nor are they finding the work a turn on, its more like lets turn Eastenders down in the background or surf youtube while we listen to say the right things at the same time, granted an imagination helps a lot, so does knowledge of fetishes (I know so much more than I ever thought I would and trust me, not even half of them are something I personally would find a sexual turn on.

But and here goes my shameful secret, through doing this I found out that I could earn more money by going one step further, and always the girl to take the next step without thinking I went ahead and did it. In the space of three weeks I had moved on from just ‘supplying’ phone sex to taking my clothes off on webcam.

And this is when it gets grainy, at first I didn’t feel anything, I was like a robot going through the motions, I could smile and pretend I was enjoying it while my mind was completely elsewhere, my only fear was that someone I knew might see me – that to me was the ultimate in humiliation – but as the months passed something changed, I knew I could not do it long term, simply because I did not have the personality for it. I have never hid the problems I face with promiscuously, how I switch from sleeping around to being an ice queen, how I battle with faithfulness, how I fail a lot when it comes to being intimate, for someone who is desperately crying out for someone to not only want to be intimate with me but respect me also and care about my mind I don’t put myself in enough situations to receive anything but casual sex.

Webcam for me is the same, at the beginning – I will not lie here – as much as I did not find it a turn on, listening to people tell me how amazing I looked, how sexy my body is, how pretty my face, how desirable the way I moved or my accent was, was enough to make me feel ten feet tall. I am not really an in-love with myself girl, I have a fake confidence sure but inside I am a quivering wreck. So many compliments made me feel special. How naïve can I be.

The thing is now, now I hate it, now I think of these men, think of myself and feel nothing but disgust. I have been away for three weeks, I went back to the UK, I felt happy and it was nice to have some familiarity and feel so much warmth after the bleakness of the last few months but now I am back home in Spain and with no hope of finding a job here yet (probably not until the tourist season starts in March) I am left with continuing to do this until then.

Unless, unless I make another decision.

A friend of mine is in Canada and she is urging me to go home to the UK apply for my year Visa (you have to be in the UK to do this) and go out there for a year. I would need to be in the UK while my application is going through and also because I would need to temp or get a short term job for a few months to get enough money together to cover my expenses.

I have a lot to think about, and I guess as the weeks pass you will go through my decision process with me, but I just wanted to catch you up with what is going on. And hope that you will not judge me.




5 responses

16 01 2009

First we’ll just ignore that phone sex workers watch Eastenders while talking dirrty. Not that I’ve ever used that kind of service I don’t want it to be tainted with this lie 😉 haha
Personally I couldn’t do that line of work, I was never any good in sales.

But anyway, serious matter.
Wow an invite to Canada. That does sound really good and a lot to think about.
It sounds like a great offer.
What are your thoughts up to now on it?
I guess march isn’t too far away so it might be worth sticking around until then?

16 01 2009

First of all -thank you. for all your comments. now that you’re back i’ve realised how much i value your thoughts on my posts and how much i like your blog. it feels good knowing there are other people out there as well just trying to find their place in life.

secondly – if anyone judges you for your line of work then they are narrowminded, small people. So you struggled w all know that, there’s a global recession going and and you decided to make money in a work area that poepl judge. well they are not You. no one is, and the only one that lives with your decisions are you. people will always judge and be moral-queens when it comes to other people lives. I see it as it could have been and that if I was faced with the situations you were faced with I prob would have taken those decisions.

Canada! That sounds like a good idea. You seem to like spain though, even if you hate it at times. For the adventure i’d say that canada would be great but if you’re looking to root yourself and stop running from “life” (as i always do) then stay in spain. whatever you decide i hope you make a decision that makes You happy and leads to brighter places. oh and that you keep blogging so we get to hear about your new life in canada : )

16 01 2009

For someone I’ve never actually met I’ve come to care about you quite a bit. Reading things like this from you fills me with both understanding and a bit of heartbreak. I may not like what you’ve had to do but I will not judge you for it. I have to admit that I was a pornography addict for several years myself so in a way I was once one of those men. I’ve thankfully broken that particular addiction but I still have some scars from it.

Given your particular situations Canada doesn’t sound like such a bad option. If anything else it’d be a new adventure. If you need anything Lou Lou, you can always ask me. Can even e-mail me if you want someone to talk to off of the blog-o-sphere. Take care kid.

21 01 2009

Thanks for the update. It is good to know that you are ok.

5 02 2009
Duma Key

We all make mistakes….. my life is spurned with hundreds of them, one to the next I move along, swapping one life for another, running. Never in one place to long, familiarity bores me. Or is that my excuse for running? The reason I give myself?

There is no place for judgment, none of us are free from those deep dark little secrets, just many of us hide them well and pretend they are not there.

Your writing, your depth and style stun me every time I read your blog, and in the job I have left to find something like your writing on my desk would have been a good send, bear that in mind and think of those words……. and your future.

Life is weird, over complicated and over stated, and ect is merly an act, and society as a whole bears responsibility, yet fails to see.

You emerge clear and strong from your words, the picture I hold in my mind is clear and though you do not see this you emerge from the shadows of yesterday, though once more you do not beleive in yourself enough to stand strong, though I am sure day by day this will grow.

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