Reverse Decisions

6 02 2009

I’ve sat down and started to write a blog entry numerous times over the last couple of weeks but can never seem to find the motivation to put my thoughts on paper. My blog had become my place of letting out my frustration, and also my deepest fears and now all of a sudden I feel like I am facing them fears head on.

The strange thing in all of this is I finally realised what I think people have been trying to tell me all along, it was never about anything but my perception of myself, of my own fears and doubts about myself.

My background, my childhood, has left me with many issues with myself, the fight or flight mode, the constant niggling doubts about my own worth, the all encompassing hypersensitivity that allows my mind to tell myself that by being cold, being distant, never showing my true colours will allow me to escape without further harm in this mad crazy thing we call life. The deepset paranoia that manages to ruin everything I touch, simply because I let it. Funny how my fight mode only manages to fight against myself when it comes to stopping my own happiness, my own emotions, it never manages to fight against myself when it truly should.

It’s not going to be something that I am going to be able to ‘fix’ overnight, but it is something that the more aware of it I am, the more I can try and learn how to control. This fear of mine that stops people getting close to me because I am so scared that they will see this other side of me, this wildcat side, this crazy thought pattern of mine also stops me letting people see the true side of me this one that is craving acknowledgement, is desiring to be cared for.

Like a bird with a broken wing I find myself being made to learn to fly again, but not by stifling it and putting it in a large cage but by allowing it to fly free in the open air, but with it knowing that if it fails we will pick it up and help it on its way again.

The last few weeks have been strange for me, my decisions have surprised myself more than I have admitted, this huge decision to stay here in Spain because of a man I had known just days, my decision to not only stay but rush without care into this has left me bemused when I think about it. But never unhappy, nor disappointed into myself. This is not just about him, this is me, this is me allowing myself to take a chance, to make a reverse decision from normal. Always my choice is to run, always I decide to flee before I get hurt, this time I have decided that come what may, tears, hurt, fun or the opposite I based a decision on giving my emotions a chance to run free.

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4 responses

6 02 2009
Duma Key

I am glad to see you hold down and stand your ground, the answers lay not in the past but in the future, as we run we never find those answers we simply trap ourselves eternal in yesterday.
Miss Havesham in “Great Expectations” springs to mind, locked away in a room that time forgot, holding on to yesterday affraid of tomorrow, she sits as life pass her by. In many ways both you and I have sat here, in this room locked in time, held back by the past. Though we choose to run, we are simply running from the future, avoiding lodging ourselfs in the future, locking ourselfs in affraid to live, haunted by yesterday. When the present becomes to much we run, skip countrys towns, people, no of it matters.
I am glad you start to see the whole of you, what drived through in your written words, though I know you not, in many ways I find I know you, and many times the last few months while I have been busy with the bar, I have wondered just how you are getting on, where you are and what is happening in your world of words.
This journey we embark upon side by side in places far we walk, and I am sure in time you will be glad you stayed and stood strong…..failing that….we will probably be on the same flight out of here some time lol!
Seriously stick with it, you deserve a happiness unknown as yet, and all this parts of you, the bits you like, the bits you dont, the bits you hide, the bits you expose are all what make you who you are, the whole, wise and sweet.
Good look and keep us posted!

6 02 2009
shortdigitalpictures

I like this post very much. It has an acceptance of one self that is hard to find these days. I don’t carry with me great words of wisdom today so i’m gonna leave it at -I’m happy you decided to stay. Maybe it is now the true adventure starts, when we choose differently from what we are used to and you will do great. I’m convinced of that!

Have you thouht about writing poetry?
I’d say you’d be very good at that with your way of writing.

25 02 2009
Duma Key

I hope things are going well for you, and that bird flys…..

1 03 2009
Tylor

I am seriously missing your blog Lou-Lou.

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