Hurting Yourself.

13 04 2009

It’s amazing really, the lengths we go to, to hurt ourselves. The way we take our own lives and all the pain, confusion and heartache that others have caused us, pain that was out of our control when it was given, then we keep it, we turn it around inside of ourselves and use it as a mask against the world. We never wanted the pain in the beginning but after we have been forced to take it, we take ownership of it and never let it go.

For a long time, I have taken ownership of my pain, I have held it up against the cracks to stop the light from shining in and if light does manage to shine on me I run, I hide, I push it away until the familiar darkness once again becomes my friend.

They say that lovers take lovers because they see fragments of themselves in each other, that the chemistry that passes between people is deeper than just attractiveness, deeper than that initial feeling of wanting to be near to someone.

I never thought I would fall like I have for Andrew, I never though he would be the kind of person I am looking for, I never expected to feel the way I do. I never expected him to be as lost as I am, just in a different way. I spent my life running, and now when its down to something that I know the world will tell me to run from, I am finding it impossible to run.

Andrew is a heroin addict.