Hurting Yourself.

13 04 2009

It’s amazing really, the lengths we go to, to hurt ourselves. The way we take our own lives and all the pain, confusion and heartache that others have caused us, pain that was out of our control when it was given, then we keep it, we turn it around inside of ourselves and use it as a mask against the world. We never wanted the pain in the beginning but after we have been forced to take it, we take ownership of it and never let it go.

For a long time, I have taken ownership of my pain, I have held it up against the cracks to stop the light from shining in and if light does manage to shine on me I run, I hide, I push it away until the familiar darkness once again becomes my friend.

They say that lovers take lovers because they see fragments of themselves in each other, that the chemistry that passes between people is deeper than just attractiveness, deeper than that initial feeling of wanting to be near to someone.

I never thought I would fall like I have for Andrew, I never though he would be the kind of person I am looking for, I never expected to feel the way I do. I never expected him to be as lost as I am, just in a different way. I spent my life running, and now when its down to something that I know the world will tell me to run from, I am finding it impossible to run.

Andrew is a heroin addict.



9 responses

15 04 2009

i believe in fate & i think you might have found love
too often people are too judgmental; my brother is a heroin addict & he’s an amazing guy, he just has an addiction ❤

15 04 2009

“My empire of dirt.”
These words, yours, Cash’s, wrench my heart too many ways to say.

16 04 2009

I too say run.

That situation is too risky.

You can find what you need in other places, both inside and outside of yourself.

Loneliness seems to be one of the best ways to find something higher within. You can also ask for help.


17 04 2009

Painfully resonated with me.
I was in the same position and decided to run.
His addiction will destroy you.
I wish it were different.
I really do…
love to you

18 04 2009

BTW-Lou-Lou, and I’d forgotten I commented here and even forgotten how this piece had wrenched me–I should say I did not comment to give you my opinion of what you are writing of. The writing here is beautiful, evocative. And impossibly honest. Now THAT seems to be a rare thing, often forgotten in the need to “write well”. Yet you seem to bring this effortlessly and I can imagine you writing no other way.
LOL–at least this is what strikes me in your words. And I love that.

All that said, heroin stole from me, and some things can never be recovered. And we love who we love.

21 04 2009

You received very beautiful and powerful responses. The pain is real, there is no denying… only embracing. The thorns do tear, yet the pain is somehow subdued… numb perhaps.

I can resonate with certain aspects of this pain… yet my journey is of a different path. May yours settle and be easier to travel.

21 04 2009

“They say that lovers take lovers because they see fragments of themselves in each other”

If this is the case and we choose someone broken as we are broken ourselves how do we really know we choose them because of love or not because we need to save someone else the way we wish someone saved us?

i think we pick the opposite way even though we might think we don’t. It’s the imperfect, the differences we gravitate towards, and the fact that the see through our cracks and love us despite them.

I won’t tell you to run, I won’t tell you to stay. I don’t wish anyone the pain of that path (because it is pain no matter how you put it) neither the tears that sucumb from holding the one falling down that path.
I think you see something in him that heroin can’t kill, but I also know that heroin does not feel love (i don’t doubt that Andrew does though so please don’t get me wrong on that statement).

19 05 2009

You know what this kind of pains sometime really helpful for us in making new decisions. Always in our life we have two options better and bitter, now it is on us that what we choose. I am not saying that this pain will leave its place soon or after a while , may be it will remain with you as a frozen moment of life but you can take some good memories from it to enjoy.

19 05 2009

Often we stand at life’s crossroads and view what we think is the end….but God has much bigger vision and He tells us.. Relax my child, its only a BEND

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