My Time in the Wilderness

31 05 2009

Its my season to be alone. My time in the wilderness, and why happiness is far out of reach, I must learn to be content.

Andrew tried to hurt me, physically. Feet kicking doors, fingers around throat, I was scared of him. So much has happened that I cannot put into words for you right now, so much in the intensity of those months. So much trying, so much pain, then the last night, that look in his eyes that I had not seen before. The gentleness that he had always shown to me, the feelings I had been so sure were still there, vanished. He wanted to hurt me more than emotionally.

I fled, as I know how to do, within 2 hours my whole life was in my car and I was driving. I left at midnight and drove overnight, for those hours, those solitary hours, just me and my the assorted debris of my life in the car I felt free.

Funny isn’t it? how we put so much so value on the possession of gadgets, or the company of others, on love, on friendship, but it is only when I am running, when I am alone that I feel truly free.

I am staying with my sister now, once again bedding in a spare room, claustrophobic with having to be around people all the time, no space for myself, no privacy to gather my thoughts. I feel lost. I don’t want to be here, I cannot go back there. Canada which is still within reach if I should want it, does not hold that same excitement.

What to do now? where to go? I need a job for a few months to get some money together to make some decisions but I can’t find the fight to get out of there.

I have told people little, just of the last night how he turned violent and they condemn him for being like that I agree with them, say how I cannot believe it.

But the truth is inside, I just feel sad, not angry or bitter. Sad with regret, with wanting, sad that something that had so much possibility could not learn to fly.




9 responses

31 05 2009

I dont know I should have to say anything here or not.. I am speechless

31 05 2009

sad that something that had so much possibility could not learn to fly.

Well said, and yes, it is sad.
Sadder even that that evil mistress in the triangle, never would have given the chance. Goddamn her.

Yes, it’s your time in the wilderness now, the time that comes of saving yourself, the only one you could save. It takes strength to walk into that wilderness. Some just don’t have it. But I think you do.

Hang in there, try to look forward. Anything can happen. This is not a defeat.

2 06 2009
Duma Key

This time in the wilderness seems never ending, and somehow I am finding more and more that stepping from the shadows to seek light was not my brightes move!
I am saddened to read your last post, and to see the hurt and the darkness once more engulf one who deserves to fly.
Your situation once more lingers now not far from mine, and answers though I seek, none I find.
As for you, I can not explain the actions of this person, some times people dont see what is before there eyes.
My suggestion for you, is to reach inside and write, you have such pure tallent with your words, and though this may sound harsh, from suffering much great art has been born, if nothing else for me words help, and prehapes they will help you.
Life and people confuse me and I think that I am better off away from them and away from people. My thoughts lay with you and I hope that the doors that now seem shut start to open once more for you, for the cage you are in is not your home, just a respite while you regather and learn to fly once more.

6 06 2009

I don’t know what to say Lou-Lou but I wanted to say something, anything that would make it feel better. This is one of those moments in life where no words hold any big enough value for it to feel better, safer, more hopeful or generate less sadness.
All I can say is that I don’t think that was Andrew, i think it was the drugs showing their true colours. One may and should judge the violence he has brought to your life, all you did was to try and show light. But for your own piece of mind trust that what you felt that you shared and had was true. He is just uncapable of seeing anything else than his own pain and how to get rid of it. Praise the fact that You see more, not only in him but in others and thank yourself because you have just saved yourself from every possible way there is to be saved.

10 06 2009

this is rather tragic, i feel for you, i hope you can find happiness soon!

18 06 2009
Duma Key

Just passing by, Hope things are going better for you now

18 06 2009

Chin up xx

17 07 2009

wow you are very brave!!

8 08 2009
Duma Key

A silent thought as I pass by and hope that darkness passes soon. I miss your words and thoughts, selfish I know!

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