Full Circle

8 08 2009

I seem to have come full circle. These last few months I seem to drift from day to day with no routine and certainly no aim. I am back in the UK, I spent a month licking my wounds in Spain, staying here and there, trying to find some sense of purpose, of reason, a lesson that I could take with me after the craziness that Andrew brought to my life, to my mind. I found very little, instead I found myself yearning for home.

So I came back, tail between legs to the people who are as good … no sorry better … than my own parents ever could have been and here I am. I have licked my wounds, I have moved on from the time. As I always do, no tears after the initial drama, no long conversations with people about the ifs and whys. Just matter of fact me. It happened, life happens, let us all leave it be.

Now I found myself feeling stagnant, I have no job, I have no money, not used to relying on people to help me, not used to feeling so claustrophobic I seem to find myself looking around me a lot trying to keep my running shoes in sight even when those shoes need repairing.

6 weeks, at the beginning when I still had some money I kept up my façade of being a social butterfly, sure I laughed in the right places, told the right jokes, drank the right drinks – I’ve gotten good at pretending. But as the money dwindled away and the nights out become less and the quiet time crept in I found myself reverting to my own mind for company and that’s still where I stay.

I am still in the wilderness. I know I should be trying to find my way back home to me, trying to gain some sense of direction so I can lead myself out of here, but instead I seem to be dreaming of impossible things, of people who don’t and never will exist, losing myself in sweet yet destructive day dreams.

My friends here seem to be simply people of the past, moving backwards has never been an option for me and now I am trying it I understand why that was, the past is simply that, the past. It is not in align with the present.

I wish I could write when I feel upbeat and positive but as each day passes I feel a little bit more of that fall away.

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3 responses

9 08 2009
Duma Key

Your words once more mirror much my own thoughts, feelings and actions. Purpose from life has drifted and each day becomes one, I am dreaming too the impossible dream and money dwindels fast, though there is no resuce for me, no where to turn.
I dont know all the answers but I know somewhere in this mess lessons need to be learnt, and running for me becomes no more an option. I have diced with death and drifted between thoughts of life and that of bliss eternal rest, yet somehow I have to find the strength to find myself and turn this mess around, I dont know how or why, just has to be done.
Believe in yourself and hold on to who you are the light that once shone will shine once more, and you will find all that is bad turning into something new and good. Until then hold on. If you need to talk I am around!

10 08 2009
Tylor

Even though I don’t hear much on this blog anymore you still cross my mind every now and then. I don’t really know of any kind of advice to give (or if that is even what is really needed) but you can know that I’m here for you and I’ll keep you in my prayers.

13 08 2009
oracleofthepearl

Welcome back.
I think I see what you’re saying about the past and the present. Perhaps that’s why I seldom want to write about the “past” [which isn’t that about everything?] in “real time” [which is the present]; by the time I write about the past, it’s so past I have something to say, rather than it being a discussion of What’s Up With Me. Many things nearer and fresher, I refuse to talk about or share. It takes time to digest things, time to find the next direction. Someone elses direction or analysis isn’t always helpful.
Hmm, that was a bit garbled.
Take your time.
Peace–Pearl

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