30 11 2009

The lights of Covent Garden surround me as I lose myself in the crowds; a solitary figure weaving in and out of the crowds; eyes black as coal and hair falling down my back. In the city of my life its easy to once again become the forgotten girl.

I stop and listen as a man on a crate; scraggly haired and unshaven tells me that God’s fire burns bright but as I continue on my way back into the crowds I know its not true. Nothing is real in this life.

The lights of Christmas time are shining bright; glistening in front of me like unshed tears and I know its finally time to say goodbye.

The train leaves Charing Cross and I’m on it; my head full of shame hung low. Mumford and Sons are playing in my ear … telling me the liar not to cry. The tears are whispering down my face, there for the crowds to see, unabashed and unashamed I let them fall without wiping them away.

It’s morning and I am driving to work; I don’t even watch the road as I plan the music I want them to play the day I finally feel the peace I have wanted my whole life.

I’m at work my pushy nature coming through; no-one listens to what I have to say, no-one cares I wonder if anyone has ever stopped and noticed that for someone who talks so much I say so little. My anger always on the edge of reason; waiting to explode. The words that fall from my mouth are always so ugly; so meaningless. In a world of light I am nothing but darkness; in a world of fools I am the foolish of them all.

I see in the mirror someone so lost, I feel so misunderstood but I wonder now if it has always been simply me who has misunderstood myself. I carry nothing good. There is no possibility; even when I look my best the ugliness inside shines through.

I put on my make –up, I wear the dress, like a lady of the night I smile in the right places and nod my head. I take the drink; I eat the food, I laugh where I am supposed too. There is no feeling; no escape from the weariness inside.

I’m so tired; tired of myself, tired of constantly battling the woman in the mirror; tired of trying to see a future where I know there is none. Tired of wanting to be someone different, someone new, someone liked.

I’m so tired of it all.




7 responses

1 12 2009

I never know just what to say. I want to reach out to you, to help you, to show you that you are loved. But I am at a loss. All I can say is that I care and I am here for you. I know you’re tired but hold on just a bit longer.

10 12 2009
Duma Key

“I put on my make –up, I wear the dress, like a lady of the night I smile in the right places and nod my head. I take the drink; I eat the food, I laugh where I am supposed too. There is no feeling; no escape from the weariness inside.”

So many times of late my thoughts have bent towards this way. Simply going through the motions hidden behind the mask, saying the right thing, in the right place acting my part, the ideal of normality, whilst inside drowning, wanting to be anywhere else but here, falling apart yet still playing my part.

Your words don’t fall unheard, nor are you unseen, for I see and hear you well, this darkness, this wilderness with in which you now walk not so many days ago I also walked, trampling through the footsteps of the living in the shoes of the dead and forgotten. This place you are in, is where I have been and am still not to far away from. I hear you well, reading your words is like reading my own thoughts, like a conversation with me.
Its easy to forget who you are in this wilderness you walk, the shadows play upon your mind, distraught thought and twist reality with a hope of tomorrow that will never come. The very nature of the place blocks out the light of who you are not from the world around but from your own vision.
Stand aside a while and see what I see when I read your words, see into your thoughts and mind. I see a powerful light, lost with in herself, I see a sense of warmth of hidden depth, a see a rare and hidden person with so much to bring but as of yet still has not found herself is afraid to let her light shine for fear of what came before and fear of hurt, a hidden rose forgotten in a garden of wilderness, whose inner beauty shines more not just because of who you are, but by the very nature of the place you grow.
I too sought eternal rest and fell so close, so very close…. the chill of steal and warmth of release….as time slips, falling….falling spinning, words lose all meaning as life’s sweet rains pour down, sleep eternal sleep, yet the answer lays not this way, and certainly not for a light and talent as bright and strong as yours.
Look beyond the shadows, look and see you, really see you, see how well you shine, although you think that darkness is your home, your place is held in light.
I know the path you walk as I have walked this way, and I wish I could take your hand and guide you through for this place in which you are is the worst place I have ever seen, that place beyond all hope where only darkness and shadows dwell, even I a shadow, creature of the dark struggled to walk through unscathed.
No this my friend, your words and heard, your writing powerful and your depth of character shines with the light of who you are. If you want to talk…etc.
Keep writing and hold on in there, I feel your pain, your thoughts and your isolation….though you feel alone….you are far from it.

11 12 2009

Hello Lou Lou,

Nice writing. You are a peach, even with your faults.

It will pass, and yes there is something beautiful and strong within you, and yes there is a higher intelligence that can help us. It is not just wishful thinking. I have seen it clearly.

15 12 2009

Hello again Lou Lou,

I just remembered that I have noticed that when I am depressed it is often just because my energy is low. Exercise, good nutrition and staying active can help. I hope that you are feeling better soon.

30 12 2009
Duma Key

Just dropping by to wish you well, and hope this “Season” has been good for you.

Best wishes for 2010 lets hope things change for the better

14 01 2010

I just want you to know that you ARE NOT forgotten. I want you to know that you are SO MUCH MORE than what you feel right now. I’ve been there. I have scars on my shoulder and arm, because I wanted to die. There’s more out there, though. I wish I could help you feel your worth, because it’s GREAT. Please know that there is hope.

20 01 2010

As Duma said:
Its easy to forget who you are in this wilderness you walk..

Never think that you are but what you feel this moment in time. There is more of you in there, and more still to live as well.
I think of you often and enjoy your writing.

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