Forgotten Nights

4 04 2013

Its been such a long time since I have sat down and tried to write. I am not even sure if I still have the ability to make my words mean anything to anyone but me. I feel like the forgotten girl has forgotten herself, I don’t know who I am anymore.

I am back settled in the UK, three years almost, I have stayed put, I have not run. Its been difficult, I forgot how much the everyday problems that just come with trying to get by over here take up your time. Sometimes I feel like this is half a life but then I have to remind myself that this is real life – this is how life is when you don’t take to the pavement every-time things get rough.

I have a little shoebox flat, just me and the dog. I’ve curbed my promiscuity but I still cannot maintain a relationship even if its all I crave now. I want the normality, I want a family, I want to belong. I’ll be 32 in a couple of months, I danced and drank and destroyed my previous years and I find myself standing before the mirror now and spying the cracks in my face caused by the hedonism, constant cigarette smoking and my weather beaten years, I spy the odd grey hair trying to show itself under the red dye. I see a woman who has experienced so much, seen such vast things but ultimately has come full circle and still stands alone.

I have lost so much, gained so much more. I have evolved into a person who has been jaded, lost, found, the destroyed and the destroyer, a woman who has stood ten feet tall but has also felt the gravel scratch her cheek.

I rarely touch alcohol, prefer the simple life, walking the dog, reading a lot, my words always so harsh in a world full of gentle fake folk have been (for the most part) quietened. I can listen now, I can breathe. I still have that demon temper, those black eyes but a huge part of me is subdued, I am learning to pick and chose my battles.

There does not seem to be any purpose to this post. But I am here. Always I am here.

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3 responses

5 04 2013
Duma Key

Its been a while since I have seen your words, far too long, refreshing to see you back here, though often I have wondered how you were and how your life has evolved.
Ironically its like I hear your voice in the mirror image of my own life, may be its the broken years of childhood, that growing with out guidance in the dark that draws our paths along similar lines.
For 3 years plus now I too have stayed put, back in the place of my “childhood” the place I spent my whole life running from…only to end up back here again.
To realise this is the reality of life, the who and what we are.
It always amazes me how often I have read your posts and stood looking at myself……like in the shadows we draw the same paths…..miles apart yet always the same.
There was a point to this post…..a major point…..in that its reminded me that I am not alone in my thoughts, that you so aptly put into words.
Sometimes I yearn to fall back to that crazy life, never caring, just running and running…..but I was never really living…..so I too settled bought a big house, tried to do the “normals” thing filled my world with stuff…..and held on to a dream that could never be true…..
I wanted the kids, the settle doiwn life style…..did it…..to find that what I held was just a crule imitation of life and the “thing” I loved was more ugly inside than me.
Yet I let it go, let the pain slip, left the baseball bat at home and chilled my temper….suffering alone…..and realised this is real life and that some how….I had changed….and want more in my life.

Its nice to hear you words….as life evolves so too do we….kind of a broken mix that slips now in and out of the reality.

You should write more now……so too should I……

10 04 2013
Megan

I was wondering if you would come back here. I’m glad I didn’t cull your feed from my reader. 🙂

14 04 2013
Lou-Lou

I’m still here Megan, I just don’t find my words as often as I’d like.

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