The Crash

12 10 2014

2014 will forever be known to me as the year I crashed. Emotionally it has been my hardest time ever and not just because of everything that has transpired this year to date, but because it all led up to me having to face not only my current issues but all the pain of my past in such a spectacular way.

There have been so many times when I have wanted to write it out, wanted to share but I never know where to start. How can I explain the deepest depression I have ever known, how can I articulate the craziness that possessed me to make some of the choices I made, how I trusted someone with my dark shameful secrets and that person threw them all back at me and ridiculed me with the shame I live with each day.

I want to tell you how my Dad got so sick that he lost all his movement, how it fractured my already dysfunctional family, how I had my own health issue and barely acknowledged it as important. Even after months in counselling I still told myself each day that if it turned out to be cancer I simply deserved it for not being good enough.

I stopped running and I stood still and I tried to show someone how much they meant to me, I refused to give up but became pathetic and crazy and they hated me with the very passion with which I loved them.

I stand alone now, as always, but without the shade that has covered my eyes for so long. My secrets are no longer secret and the telling of them brought me nothing but pain.

This is the year I crashed. This is the year I can’t hide or run from. This is the year I am living.