Sunday Musings

2 11 2014

It’s Sunday again, my weekend has been relaxing, Friday night I went out with friends but apart from that I have been home alone. My phone has been mostly silent. No friends or family calling. My family is fractured right now, my Dad got Ill earlier this year and instead of bringing us together it has pushed us all further apart, never have I felt more adrift than I do now.

It’s weird how I always knew I wasn’t a ‘real’ part of the family but with my parents who brought me up I never thought that they would actually make me an outcast. I was wrong. Our conversations now are stilted, we are like strangers and I see no way back for us all now.

I tried to love someone this year but was rejected and now months on I find myself silently stalking his new life online — like a secret sleuth who only brings herself dissatisfaction with her spying, but can’t seem to stop. It’s like a compulsion that I don’t know how to cure. I still find it hard to accept that I wasn’t good enough, that he brought me into his life, into the life of his children and then turned me away and left me just as I needed someone most. I trusted him with my darkest secrets and still he didn’t think I deserved compassion or understanding when he saw my life collapse around me.

I’m at a crossroads and I realise that this time I really am all alone in the world, I’ve always had my adopted family to fall back on but now I have nothing, and no-one to run too, and nobody to care if I win or lose. I’m sure there should be a freedom in this but instead I feel empty.

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4 responses

2 11 2014
Duma Key

Your words cuts so deep, kind of like in our own shadows we follow the same roads.
So much of what you write echos thoughts inside my mind, places I have been. Things I have seen.
For so long, I felt like there must be so much wrong with me, the first time I have ever loved, ever cared……the kids…..that time……and where it ended, tore me apart…..because I gave in, I trusted and tried to fit into the world of the normals.
There are no words I can say to ease your pain, but you have come along way, and its hard, and it hurts and I know where you are.
Just know you are not alone, my thoughts and hopes lay with you…..as we navigate this labyrinth!
Your words echo so much, your write so well……

3 11 2014
Tylor (restlessones)

Even if I’m a half-stranger from across the sea I will still say I care. For whatever it is worth you’re not all alone.

10 11 2014
Lou-Lou

Tylor, the very fact that you have come here after all these years to read my words and still bring with you that understanding means more to me than you will ever know. Thank you!

12 11 2014
Tylor (restlessones)

I’ll continue to read your words as long as you’re willing to share and if you ever need a shoulder I am willing there too.

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