Contemplating the Silence

15 04 2013

There is a silence in my flat tonight that I am not used to anymore, and I have to admit that I am not enjoying my solitude. You see I have a permanent little fixture who is not with me tonight and I admit whole heartedly that I miss my little four legged friend.

She adopted me at Christmas time, I was looking for a specific type of breed of dog and she was advertised as such, but when I went to see this little pup who was the last of her litter it was more than obvious that she was of a Heinz 57 variety of mix, but I fell in love with the little bundle of jumping trouble the moment I walked in the room.

I’m sure this is when people say that they picked their dogs because they were shy and sweet, or that they crept up shyly from behind their mothers back, but my little puglette was anything but timid, she run up to us with a joy that only the young and unregulated feel and started climbing up my leg and trying to eat my shoe. I wanted her from that very second. There was no way in the world that I was leaving that house without her, and of course I didn’t, and even now I feel guilty if I have to leave her alone (work gets in the way of this idealism).

I, as those who have read my blog will know, was always much more of a no-commitment kind of person. In fact I was always of the Holly Golightly mindset that me and belonging to anyone or anything did not go hand to hand. Funny how a little dependent with a naughty streak wider than the English Channel has changed all of that. Now I can’t imagine being without her, and know I never will be for all the years that we both draw breathe in the same lifetime.

I completely failed at being the alpha of the pack, and as much as I tried I didn’t quite get the ‘dogs join your family, you don’t join theres’ mentality, maybe because I didn’t have a family, but just lived a solitary, selfish home- life. This has resulted in me and my little friend creating a little makeshift family of our own, one in which we seem to have equal shares in the sofas, bed etc. In fact I am pretty sure that she actually rules the roost and i’m just the follower.

But boy does my little leader know how to make me feel like i’m the most wonderful person in the world. There is something wondrous in being responsible for someone that is not you in day to day life, there is something joyful in being depended on, in knowing that the simplest of acts can bring a gratitude that no human has the capacity to feel. I understand for the first time in my life the saying about a mans best friend, for my little terror, with her cute eyes and demanding ways, with her sense of fun, of play, with her basic simple needs, in her quietness, in her noise has brought to my selfish heart the most amazing of human emotions. I went and feel in complete and utter love with a little furry fawn girl with a soul as old as time.


Duffy – The Welsh Rising Star

13 08 2008

I have to admit that I have somewhat of a lesbian crush on the latest Welsh songbird, admittedly the crush is not really sexual as that’s not my bag but there is something about this 24 year old singer/songwriters voice that physically brings me to a stand still every time I hear it. 


Aimee Duffy, or Duffy as she is known, was one of the singers (along with Adele) who were labelled the ‘New Amy’s’ by Adam Thompson in the Times in December 2007, in reference to Amy Winehouse, and why I agree that both Adele and Amy are fantastically talented singers, I don’t think Duffy should be compared to them. This girl is in a league all of her own. 


Her debut album ‘Rockerferry’ is one of those rare albums to which you can listen to without jumping tracks, the quality of the music this young girl has produced its quite frankly amazing.  She has also been compared to the legend that is Dusty Springfield, but I have the feeling that Duffy herself takes the comparasions with the pinch of salt that they need and has kept a clear head knowing that she has what it takes to stand out there on her own, and stay on top for a long time. 


If you haven’t already heard her, though I would be surprised at this as the fantastic ‘Mercy’ was played everywhere, go and listen to some of her tracks from Rockerferry, among my personal favourites are ‘Stepping Stone’ ‘Breaking my own Heart’ and the latest release ‘Warwick Avenue’


And just for fun, I found the video below on You Tube of her covering the great Solomon Burkes ‘Cry for me’

Are single women more fussy?

13 08 2008

Single girls around the world (or the Western World at least) probably, despite their cultural, racial and economic backgrounds, probably have a few similarities in their lives. I’m pretty sure that 99% of them (us) have a ‘booty call’ or a ‘free ride’ somewhere in the background to fulfil the no-strings attached sex need, they normally have the male friend who acts as the ‘date’ to those dreaded wedding, christening, dinner party invites. Most of them probably have the token female single friend(s) – normally rapidly changing faces – who they hit the town with on the pull. I would also put a substantial amount of money on it that most of them have the in-a-long-term-relationship female friend who identifies being single as the possibly the worst thing in the world and persists in being almost patronising to the single friend.

Which leads me to today’s entry, which was prompted when I bumped into an old school friend in my local chemist, she was standing with her son waiting for a prescription. We said the custom ‘Hello, how are you’ and launched into the conversation, in which she asked me if I ‘was still single’ and then proceeded to ask me why I haven’t found a man yet.

While I am single, at the grand young age of 27, and while sometimes I do think how nice it would be to join the growing army of non-single women, that does not mean that I am giving off ‘I am desperate’ vibes. I do not have an internal body clock ticking away telling me I must find a man soon so I can reproduce, quite the opposite.

In my experience, while I have met quite a few of the much documented ‘I want a house & baby and any man will do’ women most of us are not desperate at all, far from it. In fact I think that normally the single women are far more discerning than those who have been in long term relationships for the majority of their teen to adult years. I mean, is it really possible to meet the first love of your life at fifteen and then in intervals of 5 year relationships meet another two ‘earth moving this-is-going-to-be-never-ending loves’ before your 30? I’m not sure I think so.

I, like, many others, like the ‘first meet’ stage, first meet, first kiss, first date, first month, first sex. But I find myself being hypercritical as I am getting to know someone, I find that I home in on faults that I wouldn’t be able to look over in a long -term relationship. Normally (unless they end things with me, and my weird ‘now I want you’ mood kicks in) I find that I go off them very quick. So, when my non-single-in-love friends talk to me in pitying tones about how the love of my life is just around the corner, I find that I want to shout at them “What do you know about love? You are so not fussy that you took the first one that came along, do you think I want your life?” but of course I don’t! What I do do however is, when they try and set me up with Greasy Malcom from their firm’s Post Department, make sure that I try to put across that the reason I am single is not because I am desperate its because I am fussy.

I am normally met with patronising sympathetic looks and a few oh wells, but still I do not win, as normally these same friends start talking amongst themselves – as if I have then become invisible – about how ‘some’ people are always looking for a film lone story. And of course, they all know that real love is not like that, it’s about stability, security, Mortgages and ISA’s, it’s not about fancying someone but accepting them. So, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot win. If I dare say I like being single I am ‘putting on a front’ and if I happen to say that maybe ‘it would be nice to meet someone’ then I really want a boyfriend, either way I am labelled as desperate or a complete no-hoper who can’t even attract a man.

Who said the single life is easy? Pass me the vodka someone…

Time Line Therapy

12 08 2008

So here it is. I am in Therapy. Or actually that’s not quite true, I have had two therapy sessions and have been working on excercises that he gave me to try at home. And I feel great.

I went to see this man, typically me, joking with him, telling him I wanted to be ‘reprogrammed’ to be calm and nice. He told me I was already nice but he could work on the calmness. I had a speaking session with him and told him some of my background – not all of it – but some of it.

In my next session he decided that we should try something called ‘Time Line Therapy’ where basically under hypnosis you travel back to the root cause of why you are a certain way. I had many different memories that I guess my sub conscious had stored and hidden away. Some of them were sad, others confusing, but I was seeing them as an observer not reliving them.

My therapist told me that you do not need to understand what is happening, the memory does not have to be some tragic event, on the contrary our learned behaviour is almost similar to a tiny mark – at the time it is a nothing situation but over time it grows and grows and takes over our lives.

My mind eventually settled on a image of myself sitting on a sofa, as a toddler – my (adopted) Mum was telling me to sit still and all I wanted to do was go and play but she was refusing to let me. She was also angry which is unusual as she is not an angry person, the anger is not directed at my younger self but at somebody who is not in the room, I can feel her anger, I can also feel her pity. I know that whoever she is angry with she is angry over me. I cannot understand, all I wanted to do was pull on my red Wellingtons and go and play but everyone around me is shouting., arguing about who is to blame. My small self sitting on that sofa knows that my presence is causing this upset and I want to be far away, I don’t know what I have done and I am confused, and I am upset.

Such a trivial memory when I think of some of the horrible things that have happened to me in my life, but that was the day when I first realised that just by being, I was making people upset. Just by being born I had caused a lot of pain.

The Therapist tells you to talk to self you see in your image, its like a movie in your head and he tells you to tell them what you think they should hear as someone who is observing. So I tell her, I tell the small chubby toddler with the sad black eyes and the confused face that’s its ok. I tell her she is ok, I want to cry for her as I know what is to come, but I don’t. I paste on a smile in my image and I tell her that she is somebody, I tell her that she is not to blame, that she is a good, valid person. I tell her that if she refuses to give into the negativity and learns to love herself than other peoples love will follow, that she is capable of being loved, that she deserves to be loved.

Then my therapist tells me to travel back down my time line, and stop at any other memories that I have, and to pick up traits or leave behind flaws that are not needed in my life. I see these pictures of myself.

I see the primary school girl crying because she doesn’t know who she is.
I see the teenage me laying in a hospital bed, headphones on listening to REM and wishing my suicide attempt had succeeded.
I see an unhappy me sitting by the lake cutting myself to pieces with words that hurt only me, negativity drowning me.
I see a cold me drugged up to the eyeballs sleeping in the doorway of a church one night when I was younger and messed up.
I see a helpless me laying under Dominic the night he spiked my drink and raped me.
I see a confused me, sitting in a crowd and feeling so alone.
I see an angry me, rebelling through spitefulness to overcame my own feelings of inadequacy.

I stop, at each one of those times and tell myself the same thing. That I am valid, that if I think positively good things will come my way. I tell myself that I deserve to be loved and I am ok being who I am. Over and over I repeated in my head you are ok. Three simple little words, you are ok.

When my Therapist brought me back into the room something amazing happened, It literally felt like the tension was leaving my body, I felt lighter. Like If I looked in a mirror I would look different. I felt different and lately I have been acting different.

Of course I am not ‘cured’ I wish it was the case that someone could just reprogram you and everything would be ok. But I have never felt as positive as I do right now in my whole life, its like its almost impossible for me to think negatively. I actually like myself. Without question or doubt, I feel that I deserve to have all the things that I have never had before. I feel confident, positive, optimistic and also focused.

Even my friends have commented on the difference in me. Katie comments on how much she likes the new positive thinking me and my work friends have told me how I look different, more content, more happy and that I act differently. More approachable more easy to be around.

This has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. If you ever have the chance and need some help controlling your emotions or banishing try time line therapy.