A little bit sad

22 01 2009

I wonder if it leaving that makes you question everything you are leaving behind again, or if it’s a fear that you might regret your decisions. I don’t know, but I have been feeling pretty melancholy last few days, I have hardly set foot outside my door, nor have I told any of my friends here I am leaving, and the way its going I will be leaving a week tomorrow.

I haven’t even told my landlord which I must do tomorrow, he has been good to me so I feel bad that I am giving him such short notice anyway.

Its weird isn’t it? how you think of people that you never quite got to know, or wanted to know and never had the opportunity, like the French man who I had some an awesome crush on, he was the reason I started blogging, not on this one but another one I started before. Or the guy that sits in he bar across my road everyday and drinks coffee with me that I always wanted to kiss.

Or the girl that works in the restaurant down the road that always seemed to be alone, but I never found out a way to befriend here.

This week is going to be difficult, not just for those silly reasons. But because I believed that I was putting down roots here, I believed my constant changing was going to stop, that I was going to find something.

My first year or so out here was fantastic, the friends I made, the nights I had, the memories I have made. But in the last few months things have not been great and I know that it’s the right time to go, but still there is sadness.

But I am also proud of myself, as this time I don’t feel like I am running, more than I made a decision based on maturity about my situation. Its fast, like it always is with me, but I think my reasons are better this time.

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Guns Blazing

19 01 2009

What if I told you that this morning I woke up and rang my sister and asked if she will fly out here and drive back to the UK with me?

Then what if I told you that I went online and applied for my visa to Canada.

Guess I took the ball by the horns this time and just went for it.





Rainbow

14 01 2009

I am a rainbow.

Ever disappearing, every colourful, ever elusive. I have no beginning for you to find or an end where you can find that much-wanted pot of gold. Instead I glow only when the weather changes and for a moment I am bright then I fade until its time again for me to show the vibrancy of my colours.

We are all rainbows, our beginnings do not need to be found as we have no beginnings, while the start was a time it matters not when our present is where we are and our ends cannot be found as they are not yet there, we have no end, our end is simply not yet decided.

I am not completely forgotten, sometimes those I care about deeply forget me, lose me as they walk the twists and turns of the maze that represents their own lives but in which I am not walking with them. Sometimes I make myself become forgotten as I take turns in my own maze that they do not understand and cannot accept. Sometimes I forget myself when the world seems to be in nothing except darkness and my eyes are not yet trained to look through the pitch black of the night.

There are times when I forget through my own laziness or being too busy with other things to clean my windows and mirrors and then I wonder why my view or my reflection of myself becomes murky and unclear. When the view is not pristine I become too involved in my own doubt to step back and realise that all I need to do is simply take a cloth and clean what I have forgotten to so then my view is clear again.

I am not an ogre that lives under the bridge waiting to pounce on small children or hurt others intentionally, nor am I am Angel flying above with only the need to protect others with no need to look at my own self and see if she needs protecting. My world is not black and white, it has many shades of red and grey and pink and purple, shades that may not be shared in other peoples worlds but are a part of me.

I am not fixed, not cured, nor maybe do I need to be fixed or cured, maybe my own growth is simply slower or faster or in different directions to others.

My choices are both right and wrong. My mistakes are not always mistakes. My lessons are not always learned.

I am a rainbow.





Times need to be changing!

12 11 2008

Sometimes when I read back on my entries I truly wonder how I ever wrote them – or I try and recapture the feelings I was feeling when I did but fail too.

It often seems I am so many different people in one body that even I find keeping up with me and with the intensity in the way I feel things very difficult. Just as soon as the intensity wears a little I run, I hide, I jump or the person I have the feelings for gets there first.

I was told last night in conversation that I am the kind of girl that people look to for sexual friendships – nothing more serious – when I asked why they said it was hard to describe but in an inept way it basically boiled down to the way I go hot and cold and more than that at the way I carry on. Despite the side of me you see here, despite the words that fly free from me when I write, in real life my words come with less depth, with less meaning. I can be many things to many people, but mostly I am known as a party girl.

This is not even a quality because when it comes to me being labelled as a party girl it means that I out-drink, out-do, out-party and also…well we all know I have some issues with being promiscuous. I tend to crave highs in life. Its like doing wrong is an addiction and I live in the moment, the knowledge it will hurt me in tomorrow is never a concept I think about.

I guess as I am getting older I am realising the highs – why great – are not good for my long term well being. Its time I hung my hat up on these years when I watch the sun came up in different beds, or on drugs or drink, or in other random places/situations where its not healthy for me to be.

I don’t want to be the girl that’s left behind, I don’t want to be the girl that’s tagged or labelled – though I can’t say its other people’s opinions that bother me that much, its more that this life isn’t making me happy anymore. I want more.

I guess I have never felt deserving of more, so I took the image that I created and run a solo relay race holding on with dear life to that baton. But now, when I look at myself I still see all that is lacking, I still know I am never going to be quite as sane as others, or ever be labelled as calm or laid back, but still I am beginning to think I deserve just as much as the next person.

The way I suddenly felt about Anthony and how much I wanted the security that his love would bring, brought this all back – I know deep inside that I crave love almost as much as I crave the highs, I know I do, I look for affection and friendship in places that I know its not going to last but still I look for it as it seems like my only option.

It’s time to try and turn my life around – I want more than this.

Maybe that’s why this song seems to be fitting to me now.





Always Moving

27 09 2008

I guess I should be singing that my bags are packed and I am ready to go – but I am not, nor are they yet packed.

I know I should be delighting in this turn of events, a new adventure, a new reinvention but this time as I say goodbye to not only the people I have met, but the sights and sounds that have become so familiar to me over the last 17 months I find that I am melancholy, the gypsy in me is raring to go. Longing to see new places, new lights, but the person in me that just wants to be settled and complete is sad because once again I find that I found a lot here … but still I never found myself! Never found somewhere that I can truly call home.

Next step looks like it will be Malaga, I finish work on Tuesday and then I am free to leave. I won’t be able to leave things too long as I have no money.

Broke, lost, confused, yet accepting … here I go again!





All Change in La La Land

23 09 2008

I have a lot to say.

In fact I have more than a lot to say.

But I am not saying anything much at all today.

I’m not running away this time.

I’m not …

honest.

Maybe I am running towards something – I just haven’t figured out what yet.





Dreaming about Teeth

26 08 2008

Lately I have had a recurring dream, in it my teeth start to fall out in small pieces and I am left with broken teeth, my mouth resembling what I perceive to be like a Victorian fictional witches.

 

After a particular heavy drinking night last night I woke up this morning at half four with what I call the red bull alertness (I don’t actually drink red bull but it reminds me of the days when I used to think red bull was a good mixer with vodka …) which means that half of me feels like death and wants to sleep and the other half is wide eyed and eerily alert.  I decide not to lie in bed and wish for sleep but to head straight to the internet and look up the meaning of this dream.

 

It seems that my dream is foretelling a bad time for me, various meanings seem to say that either my own business or health is going to be poor, or the sickness of someone close to me.  The thought of this feels me with dread.

 

But I am choosing not to take that meaning, instead I found a meaning that stated this:

 

Dreaming of teeth falling out may represent insecurity. These dreams often occur at a time of transition between one phase of life and another. When we lost our milk teeth, we also gradually lost our childhood innocence. Loosing your teeth therefore show that today you have similar feelings of uncertainty and self-consciousness as you did in childhood. The dream could also highlight your worries about getting older or your sexual attractiveness.

 

This would make sense with the way my life has been going lately, I am going through a phase now that I know will make or break the way I live my life in future years.  The last two months have been spent looking at the women in the mirror and questioning not why she is like she is so much, but how to make a change for a happier way of life.

 

And yes, it has left me insecure, there is nothing like facing who you are, admitting to your own flaws and agreeing on what needs changing to make you feel pretty lost and insecure in yourself.

 

Childhood innocence is not something I ever had, my childhood can only be described as difficult and different, but what I did have was the ability to make myself believe that I wasn’t in the wrong, now, after many years of blaming others for my struggles, tilting the blame on whoever bore the brunt of my moods … that’s gone now, I looked at the woman in the mirror with the black eyes and the trail of destruction and placed the blame firmly at her door.

 

So maybe dreaming about losing my teeth is a sign that I am really beginning a new phase of my life that my transition from the difficult young women I have been is underway.