Time Line Therapy

12 08 2008

So here it is. I am in Therapy. Or actually that’s not quite true, I have had two therapy sessions and have been working on excercises that he gave me to try at home. And I feel great.

I went to see this man, typically me, joking with him, telling him I wanted to be ‘reprogrammed’ to be calm and nice. He told me I was already nice but he could work on the calmness. I had a speaking session with him and told him some of my background – not all of it – but some of it.

In my next session he decided that we should try something called ‘Time Line Therapy’ where basically under hypnosis you travel back to the root cause of why you are a certain way. I had many different memories that I guess my sub conscious had stored and hidden away. Some of them were sad, others confusing, but I was seeing them as an observer not reliving them.

My therapist told me that you do not need to understand what is happening, the memory does not have to be some tragic event, on the contrary our learned behaviour is almost similar to a tiny mark – at the time it is a nothing situation but over time it grows and grows and takes over our lives.

My mind eventually settled on a image of myself sitting on a sofa, as a toddler – my (adopted) Mum was telling me to sit still and all I wanted to do was go and play but she was refusing to let me. She was also angry which is unusual as she is not an angry person, the anger is not directed at my younger self but at somebody who is not in the room, I can feel her anger, I can also feel her pity. I know that whoever she is angry with she is angry over me. I cannot understand, all I wanted to do was pull on my red Wellingtons and go and play but everyone around me is shouting., arguing about who is to blame. My small self sitting on that sofa knows that my presence is causing this upset and I want to be far away, I don’t know what I have done and I am confused, and I am upset.

Such a trivial memory when I think of some of the horrible things that have happened to me in my life, but that was the day when I first realised that just by being, I was making people upset. Just by being born I had caused a lot of pain.

The Therapist tells you to talk to self you see in your image, its like a movie in your head and he tells you to tell them what you think they should hear as someone who is observing. So I tell her, I tell the small chubby toddler with the sad black eyes and the confused face that’s its ok. I tell her she is ok, I want to cry for her as I know what is to come, but I don’t. I paste on a smile in my image and I tell her that she is somebody, I tell her that she is not to blame, that she is a good, valid person. I tell her that if she refuses to give into the negativity and learns to love herself than other peoples love will follow, that she is capable of being loved, that she deserves to be loved.

Then my therapist tells me to travel back down my time line, and stop at any other memories that I have, and to pick up traits or leave behind flaws that are not needed in my life. I see these pictures of myself.

I see the primary school girl crying because she doesn’t know who she is.
I see the teenage me laying in a hospital bed, headphones on listening to REM and wishing my suicide attempt had succeeded.
I see an unhappy me sitting by the lake cutting myself to pieces with words that hurt only me, negativity drowning me.
I see a cold me drugged up to the eyeballs sleeping in the doorway of a church one night when I was younger and messed up.
I see a helpless me laying under Dominic the night he spiked my drink and raped me.
I see a confused me, sitting in a crowd and feeling so alone.
I see an angry me, rebelling through spitefulness to overcame my own feelings of inadequacy.

I stop, at each one of those times and tell myself the same thing. That I am valid, that if I think positively good things will come my way. I tell myself that I deserve to be loved and I am ok being who I am. Over and over I repeated in my head you are ok. Three simple little words, you are ok.

When my Therapist brought me back into the room something amazing happened, It literally felt like the tension was leaving my body, I felt lighter. Like If I looked in a mirror I would look different. I felt different and lately I have been acting different.

Of course I am not ‘cured’ I wish it was the case that someone could just reprogram you and everything would be ok. But I have never felt as positive as I do right now in my whole life, its like its almost impossible for me to think negatively. I actually like myself. Without question or doubt, I feel that I deserve to have all the things that I have never had before. I feel confident, positive, optimistic and also focused.

Even my friends have commented on the difference in me. Katie comments on how much she likes the new positive thinking me and my work friends have told me how I look different, more content, more happy and that I act differently. More approachable more easy to be around.

This has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. If you ever have the chance and need some help controlling your emotions or banishing try time line therapy.

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