Insomnia, Tears and a kick in the teeth!

23 10 2008

I’ve been lapse in posting here, mostly because I was sick of thinking about the same things minute after minute, hour after hour .

Tonight I broke.

A few days ok I got offered a little work doing telesales from home, nothing too great but at least it was money. Thing is I didn’t have a phone line but I got around it by getting a SKYPE opt in number and using that, luckily for me it only cost just over 4 euro (per month) to set up and I was allowed to just pay one month, I just about had it in my UK account from money that I had got before. So home phoneline – check. Next, because the calls had to be routed through the PC I needed a headset thing so I had a mic … off I go to the Chinese shop and managed to buy one for 7 euros, headset check.

So off I go, and while the money isn’t going to help that much (10 euro’s the first day, 20 the next) at least it was something coming to me at the end of the month. I have nothing now. I don’t possess credit cards or anything so can’t go down the route so this little bit of money seemed like a life-saver.

This week has been hard, I’ve been living on pate and toast because I can’t afford to buy anything else, I haven’t had a cigarette in two days (which is enough to make me a crank anyway) I feel like a prisoner in this apartment, I can’t even go and have a coffee or a drink with my friends the only time I get out is when I actually make myself go for a walk or something just to feel like I’m still alive – I haven’t seen anyone because I just don’t want to face them I feel like a fucking failure.

Then tonight was the breaking point I went to make some calls and the mic on the headphones has gone (teaches me to buy cheap shit) I bought them from the chinease cheap shop so they won’t exchange them and that means that the little bit of money I could make has gone.

I sat on my apartment floor and cried – maybe it was months of frustration, I don’t know but all of a sudden I felt like the most loneliest, stupidest person on this whole planet – it always seems that when life is on a downhill curve everything just keeps kicking you down everytime you try and move up.

I’m not in general a crying girl – in drink maybe – but not in normal, I think deeply for sure we all know that, I hurt myself with words but actually breaking down is not something that I do often and the more the tears came the more I couldn’t stop them. it was like I was looking at myself for what I really was. For all the things that have happened in the last month I left my job, had a massive falling out with my sister, can’t pay my rent, can’t get a job, can’t even buy food. I fucking hate my life and myself right now.

I know this entry sounds aggressive but my aggression is with myself. I’ve always knew I am a nothing, I’ve always knew that I would fail but the truth is I always knew I would fail at relationships, at holding things together, at holding my moods together but to actually fail as spectacularly as I am right now is surpassing my own grim expectations. I’ve never given myself leeway to just let myself be because I know all my shortcomings, I’m my hardest critic – I get there before anyone else because its easier that way, if I know in my mind what I am then when others tell me it doesn’t hurt so much.

The stark reality is that I mess up everything I touch and right now I just keep getting kicked in the teeth.

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Writing for the sake of writing!

18 10 2008

Things are still not looking bright – it doesn’t seem to matter how many streets of bars and restaurants I walk or how many people I speak too work is not forthcoming.  I knew it would be difficult this time of year, I remember knowing people who were in the same situation last year who ended up on a plane out of here back to their homelands and I remember saying ‘it can’t be that hard there is jobs if you really want one’  

 

But I just got hungry and ate those words.

 

In fact I have been forced to eat a lot of words I have said over the last year.

 

It’s about being in the right place at the right time out here and due to the fact that I have been constantly depressed I guess I have been spending a lot of times in the wrong places at the wrong time.

 

I also have a feeling about something else that is going to make this situation I am in even worse.  But now is not the time to go into that.   Right at this moment I can barely admit it to myself let alone put it out here for you all to read.  

 

I haven’t seen the hippy man either – nor have I spoke to him since the last time when I told him I needed to wallow in my own self pity for a few days, I have no idea what he is thinking right now – I feel bad for the confusion I have brought to him.  I feel bad for a lot of things.





Fragile Wind

10 10 2008

Nitin Sawhney – Fragile Wind 

We’re drinking small beers in a Spanish bar, there is people in the room but I am not sure I could remember them. There is an AC/DC record playing and he is telling me he liked them, I have no comprehension about them and wonder if the ten years in between us are like a vacuum of lost moments we are never going to get to share. I am starting to feel trapped, to feel unsure.

He is so nice to me, too nice, its starting to scare me my mind is going into overdrive ‘please don’t think I am a good person, please don’t think I can give you what I don’t have’ it’s time to leave, he is asking me if I want to go back to his apartment. I find myself agreeing even though my mind is elsewhere.

We’re in his apartment, hardly talking, hardly touching. I’m lost.

He puts a CD on and I am falling, we are standing there, holding one another, barely moving but I feel like we are dancing. I’m listening to the words of Nitin Sawhney and losing myself. His asking me if I mind if he doesn’t hurry, he wants to make love to me – how can he know that I am cold inside and nothing can melt me. He is reaching inside of me, finding something to grasp that is not real. I cannot stop him looking for what is not there, I do not know the words to say to tell him to keep his feelings, to be like the rest and look and see all that is lacking. I’m holding onto the music ‘inside my head I can be anything…’

He is making love to me, I am responding but there is always something holding back. This gentleness is too much for me.

We’re falling asleep, like a fallen angel he is looking at me in the dark, stroking my face. He cannot see my tears I just want to sleep and forget, always I want to forget.

Its morning, my resolution is hard, he is waking me wanting to make love to me. I cannot respond, my mind is not so much blank but bleak… the winter has set it. I’m nothing but cold. He guesses I don’t want too, but he is trying to persuade me, he thinks his sweetness, his openness, he’s feelings are enough to change my mind.

I’m laying there, wishing he would stop, he keeps trying, he is acting with compassion, wanting to make love to me – I feel like I am being raped all over again my mind is another place, with another man, with someone who hurt me, who made me colder than I already was. He is gentle but all I feel is someone else’s hand on me, someone who tore my life to pieces, a monster I cannot forget.

He stops, gets ready for work, I can see the confusion in his eyes, he feels like he has gone to bed with someone who is pure sunshine and woken in the middle of the coldest winter.

His leaving, I pretend I am sleeping. I get up and leave, careful not to leave any piece of me in that apartment, I stand at the door with tears in my eyes and tell his absent spirit that I am sorry, I am sorry but I cannot change.

I’m driving, the miles between my home and Malaga, as the miles pass I feel myself relaxing, I’m alone, driving through mountains, wishing I could stop time and stay there. I want to get out of the car and climb to the top and sit and be. My fingers are curling the rosaries hanging from my dashboard I’m praying for a sign, anything that lets me know I can feel, that I am human.

500 miles later I arrive, I have listened to the CD he gave me last night so much that my speakers in my old car have blown.

Everything seems fine, I paint on my smile and for three days I stay with my sister it seems ok …

We’re drunk, words are coming, she is shouting, I know I have said something wrong – I always do – my mind is going over and over, her words are stinging me. I want to go home, but I do not know where home is.

I’m texting him, telling him I want to come home to him. I need something to believe in even though my heart knows its not reality I am chasing. Its half four in the morning and I’ve had too much to drink but I am in my car driving back, the miles pass so slowly, my tears are drying, the anger is coming, then the hurt, the confusion, the guilt, the awareness that I always fail.

I’m resolute I will never speak to her again, I’ll never look back.

I’m home, he is waiting but I do not go and see him. Instead I lie in my bed of broken dreams and dry eyed I wait for sleep to take me.

I have no money, no job, I cannot pay my rent he is calling me but I am going further into myself I know this is not what I want.

I’m drowning …

And I cannot swim.





Acceptance

29 09 2008

My blogs lately have been depressing. I have no doubt that people who are reading are sick of hearing me bleat on about the situation I have put myself in … after all it was me that quit my job, its me that found my running shoes early in life and kept on running, and its me that’s running now.

I’ll be packing up the car in the next week and driving the 6 hours or so down to Southern Spain to look for what comes next. With nothing except one months wages, my few possessions and a heavy heart I’ll set off, but I know as the miles pass between here and there I will change, I will bit by bit forget about all that I am leaving and think only of the possibility of the unknown.

My life has changed drastically in three weeks. Nothing I do really surprises me anymore.

Fran paid me a visit last night, as you probably gathered from my last post. Fran doesn’t love me, nor does he know me in any other way apart from sexually. But he keeps me company sometimes and I am grateful for the affection in times of need. He asked me why I was moving and for some reason when I replied the obvious ‘because I have nothing here’ I found my eyes welling up, I fought back the tears and was thankful for the darkness so he couldn’t see. But its true, not having anything has always been a balm to me but it suddenly became such a sad statement to make.

I am 27, I have been lost for a long time and with no hope of ever being found or showed love I am finally admitting that I need to stop looking for change within myself. I am not a good person, my temper is quick, my moods legendry, I am selfish, I make mistakes at every corner. This is how I am, and people like me need to make an alternative life – we need not to put ourselves in situations where we can hurt or upset people.

I need to stop caring when I have done wrong. You see I know I am moody, I know I am over the top in my temper tantrums, my irritability is monstrous but I am always thinking I want to change and each time I do not I beat myself up, and now as I leave and I realise that nobody really cares if I am here or not I do not have many people to say goodbye too, not people who will wave me off and swap fake promises of keeping in touch. So this is it, this is my problem, I need to not keep trying to change who I am, I need to accept that I am always going to be this way that goodness is not something I will possess and find a life in which I can be a solitary being so I can cause the least amount of hurt in this world as possible.





Time Line Therapy

12 08 2008

So here it is. I am in Therapy. Or actually that’s not quite true, I have had two therapy sessions and have been working on excercises that he gave me to try at home. And I feel great.

I went to see this man, typically me, joking with him, telling him I wanted to be ‘reprogrammed’ to be calm and nice. He told me I was already nice but he could work on the calmness. I had a speaking session with him and told him some of my background – not all of it – but some of it.

In my next session he decided that we should try something called ‘Time Line Therapy’ where basically under hypnosis you travel back to the root cause of why you are a certain way. I had many different memories that I guess my sub conscious had stored and hidden away. Some of them were sad, others confusing, but I was seeing them as an observer not reliving them.

My therapist told me that you do not need to understand what is happening, the memory does not have to be some tragic event, on the contrary our learned behaviour is almost similar to a tiny mark – at the time it is a nothing situation but over time it grows and grows and takes over our lives.

My mind eventually settled on a image of myself sitting on a sofa, as a toddler – my (adopted) Mum was telling me to sit still and all I wanted to do was go and play but she was refusing to let me. She was also angry which is unusual as she is not an angry person, the anger is not directed at my younger self but at somebody who is not in the room, I can feel her anger, I can also feel her pity. I know that whoever she is angry with she is angry over me. I cannot understand, all I wanted to do was pull on my red Wellingtons and go and play but everyone around me is shouting., arguing about who is to blame. My small self sitting on that sofa knows that my presence is causing this upset and I want to be far away, I don’t know what I have done and I am confused, and I am upset.

Such a trivial memory when I think of some of the horrible things that have happened to me in my life, but that was the day when I first realised that just by being, I was making people upset. Just by being born I had caused a lot of pain.

The Therapist tells you to talk to self you see in your image, its like a movie in your head and he tells you to tell them what you think they should hear as someone who is observing. So I tell her, I tell the small chubby toddler with the sad black eyes and the confused face that’s its ok. I tell her she is ok, I want to cry for her as I know what is to come, but I don’t. I paste on a smile in my image and I tell her that she is somebody, I tell her that she is not to blame, that she is a good, valid person. I tell her that if she refuses to give into the negativity and learns to love herself than other peoples love will follow, that she is capable of being loved, that she deserves to be loved.

Then my therapist tells me to travel back down my time line, and stop at any other memories that I have, and to pick up traits or leave behind flaws that are not needed in my life. I see these pictures of myself.

I see the primary school girl crying because she doesn’t know who she is.
I see the teenage me laying in a hospital bed, headphones on listening to REM and wishing my suicide attempt had succeeded.
I see an unhappy me sitting by the lake cutting myself to pieces with words that hurt only me, negativity drowning me.
I see a cold me drugged up to the eyeballs sleeping in the doorway of a church one night when I was younger and messed up.
I see a helpless me laying under Dominic the night he spiked my drink and raped me.
I see a confused me, sitting in a crowd and feeling so alone.
I see an angry me, rebelling through spitefulness to overcame my own feelings of inadequacy.

I stop, at each one of those times and tell myself the same thing. That I am valid, that if I think positively good things will come my way. I tell myself that I deserve to be loved and I am ok being who I am. Over and over I repeated in my head you are ok. Three simple little words, you are ok.

When my Therapist brought me back into the room something amazing happened, It literally felt like the tension was leaving my body, I felt lighter. Like If I looked in a mirror I would look different. I felt different and lately I have been acting different.

Of course I am not ‘cured’ I wish it was the case that someone could just reprogram you and everything would be ok. But I have never felt as positive as I do right now in my whole life, its like its almost impossible for me to think negatively. I actually like myself. Without question or doubt, I feel that I deserve to have all the things that I have never had before. I feel confident, positive, optimistic and also focused.

Even my friends have commented on the difference in me. Katie comments on how much she likes the new positive thinking me and my work friends have told me how I look different, more content, more happy and that I act differently. More approachable more easy to be around.

This has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. If you ever have the chance and need some help controlling your emotions or banishing try time line therapy.