Reverse Decisions

6 02 2009

I’ve sat down and started to write a blog entry numerous times over the last couple of weeks but can never seem to find the motivation to put my thoughts on paper. My blog had become my place of letting out my frustration, and also my deepest fears and now all of a sudden I feel like I am facing them fears head on.

The strange thing in all of this is I finally realised what I think people have been trying to tell me all along, it was never about anything but my perception of myself, of my own fears and doubts about myself.

My background, my childhood, has left me with many issues with myself, the fight or flight mode, the constant niggling doubts about my own worth, the all encompassing hypersensitivity that allows my mind to tell myself that by being cold, being distant, never showing my true colours will allow me to escape without further harm in this mad crazy thing we call life. The deepset paranoia that manages to ruin everything I touch, simply because I let it. Funny how my fight mode only manages to fight against myself when it comes to stopping my own happiness, my own emotions, it never manages to fight against myself when it truly should.

It’s not going to be something that I am going to be able to ‘fix’ overnight, but it is something that the more aware of it I am, the more I can try and learn how to control. This fear of mine that stops people getting close to me because I am so scared that they will see this other side of me, this wildcat side, this crazy thought pattern of mine also stops me letting people see the true side of me this one that is craving acknowledgement, is desiring to be cared for.

Like a bird with a broken wing I find myself being made to learn to fly again, but not by stifling it and putting it in a large cage but by allowing it to fly free in the open air, but with it knowing that if it fails we will pick it up and help it on its way again.

The last few weeks have been strange for me, my decisions have surprised myself more than I have admitted, this huge decision to stay here in Spain because of a man I had known just days, my decision to not only stay but rush without care into this has left me bemused when I think about it. But never unhappy, nor disappointed into myself. This is not just about him, this is me, this is me allowing myself to take a chance, to make a reverse decision from normal. Always my choice is to run, always I decide to flee before I get hurt, this time I have decided that come what may, tears, hurt, fun or the opposite I based a decision on giving my emotions a chance to run free.


Sinead Lohan – To Ramona

2 09 2008

Surely this is the most beautiful cover ever recorded.

This song has a very deep meaning for me, I see myself in the character of Ramona, too often I am telling myself and other people that I am not above or below anyone in this world but my actions rarely follow my words and I try to fit-in in worlds where I don’t belong or even exist in what is not the non-reality of my mind.

The only gift I was ever bestowed with in this life is words. Words that go largely unseen, journals documenting my actions and thoughts from as far back as 12 years old. Words that why not touching to others, not needed in a world where words run free, have been a balm to me in constant times of confusion and turmoil, of depression, of doubt, of fear, of extreme unhappiness.

I am a solitary being, I travel through time, places, friends I sit and listen, talk, laugh, debate and fight but I never really stay anywhere for long. I keep moving. In my need for attention I will place myself in the centre of a crowd but I never give everything. Even while sitting in the centre of the crowd, holding centre stage on conversation, being witty or in the other extreme argumentative I never really just ‘am’ amidst the people, the laughs, the ups and the downs I am constantly alone. I am constantly withholding.

In the book of time, I have no beginning and I see no end, one day I am there, amongst the people, included in the plans, sharing times the next day I am gone. Without a glance backwards, rarely do I ever revisit people or stages from my past. The only chains that pull me back are the ones to my childhood, to my family both to those I love, and to those that confuse and hurt me, that try as I might I cannot release myself from.

I am Ramona, always trying to deal with the dying.