Self Love

24 08 2009

My ‘Coincidence date’ turned out to last the majority of the weekend, and I have to admit I had a really good time.

Not least because the company was easy, I had forgotten what it was like to talk to someone about ‘real’ life. My few years in Spain have passed by in a cloud of drunken hazes, non-stop people and a feeling of being completely out of reality. Being back in the UK has brought home to me a lot that my life there was make believe, the situations I faced, the things I took part in, made part of my life, have very little resemblance to what is judged as normal living here.

I still haven’t found a job here in the UK, though I may have a little one lined up that will help me while I find real work. Its nothing at all great just in a shop, but it gives me breathing time while I continue to send off CV’s and applications for things I actually want to do. 3 years out of normal work doesn’t really help me with finding work here in the UK right now, but as always I have to just keep applying myself and hope I turn a corner.

This weekend has brought me some smiles I have to say, Friday night we went for drinks and just ended up talking about all the years that have passed since we saw each other last. The conversation was easy, was fun and there was obviously still an attraction after all this time.

Saturday we spent the day together, wandering around Folkestone, seafood on the harbour, drinks in little pubs by the sea, exploring the coast, we tucked ourselves up in the corner of a restaurant as night set in and swapped stories as we ate. It really was a pretty memorable day in a quiet relaxed way. I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other. BUT, I also know that before I can commit myself to a relationship I have to face some things about myself.

My drinking habits have to be controlled. I’ve dropped major hints in this blog about my actions in drink, I have literally destroyed so much in my life and in other peoples lives because quite simply, I drink too much and I have another side of me, probably the ugliest side you will ever see in a person that rears its head when I full on drink.

But if that was the only thing then I would be ok, but there is of course more, there is the way I view myself and the way that view of myself comes across in my conduct. I’m not lying when I say the world scares the shit out of me, the thought of living in the real world makes me literally shake, you see all the time I am letting myself go along in my own bubble, all the time I am simply running and not facing up to the consequences of my actions I can shut out the real world, I can hide away from the questions, but its no longer right for me to do that. I have to learn to accept that I am a person, bad or not, and I have to live by the rules to an extent.

I have debated with the notion lately that I may be bi-polar, the shoe seems to fit, but in other ways it doesn’t seem to fit at all. Probably because I know I have a problem while I am led to believe that bi-polar sufferers in the majority don’t. One thing I do accept is there is a side of me that is hard to label. I have heard many times how paranoid I am, I am so highly conscious of what isn’t said in words from other people, I am so hyper sensitive about things that are said to me, or the way I say things to other people. My self esteem is low, its got to be, even though sometimes I can appear confidence, the truth is people scare me to death, I always think I am saying, do, thinking, acting the wrong way. It’s almost like sometimes I mirror other peoples actions so I appear normal. No matter what happens in life I have this voice telling me I will fail. I destroy things before they even have a chance because of that voice, I retreat, I run away, I literally press that self destruct button and explode in front of people…anything to bring on the finish of something.

I don’t want to live like this.

I know part of it is to do with my childhood, I know that, but at what time can I stop blaming the past, at what time can I truly stand up and say no it won’t ruin my present anymore? My real mother both made and destroyed me before I had a chance to grow like normal people, its true that babies are like flowers, without nurture, without warmth, they grow weak and wild. That’s what I am, I am wild, I take chances that most of you will never have too, I make decisions and live moments that most of you would never bring on yourself. I am wild, but its is my weakness that makes me wild. Its not strength that has kept me going, it’s the opposite. Inside I am scared, I am vulnerable, I am lost. I grow half in the light, half in the dark, I wasn’t covered or prepared for the changing of the seasons I just had to battle it out as they come along, there was no guidance. My moods are notorious, I feel pain in as greater force as I feel the highs, but neither of them is rational, neither is calm. I only feel calm when I am truly alone.

I am jealous of those who know love, I am jealous of the stars, of the moon, of the random man on the street, I am jealous of each of you that has love in your life. My adopted parents have tried hard to love me, I know, even when I have made it incredibly hard for anyone to like me let alone feel love towards me. But always in between their love is the fact that they love my real mother more … simply because she is their natural offspring. No matter how much she has destroyed me their love for her is unwavering, is real maternal instinct. An instinct my own mother never possessed. The day my real Mum first abandoned me to their care, she took her dog and left me, I am jealous of that dog, where she would have a kick for me, she would have a pat for the dog. All the years afterwards with her in and out of my life, even as an adult when she still feels the need to slight me at every turn I make, still I let her, still I feel each pain as if its new.

I want to know about this thing called love, but I need to learn it from inside, I need to heal, I need to learn to find something to love inside of me. I just don’t know where to start.

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Time Line Therapy

12 08 2008

So here it is. I am in Therapy. Or actually that’s not quite true, I have had two therapy sessions and have been working on excercises that he gave me to try at home. And I feel great.

I went to see this man, typically me, joking with him, telling him I wanted to be ‘reprogrammed’ to be calm and nice. He told me I was already nice but he could work on the calmness. I had a speaking session with him and told him some of my background – not all of it – but some of it.

In my next session he decided that we should try something called ‘Time Line Therapy’ where basically under hypnosis you travel back to the root cause of why you are a certain way. I had many different memories that I guess my sub conscious had stored and hidden away. Some of them were sad, others confusing, but I was seeing them as an observer not reliving them.

My therapist told me that you do not need to understand what is happening, the memory does not have to be some tragic event, on the contrary our learned behaviour is almost similar to a tiny mark – at the time it is a nothing situation but over time it grows and grows and takes over our lives.

My mind eventually settled on a image of myself sitting on a sofa, as a toddler – my (adopted) Mum was telling me to sit still and all I wanted to do was go and play but she was refusing to let me. She was also angry which is unusual as she is not an angry person, the anger is not directed at my younger self but at somebody who is not in the room, I can feel her anger, I can also feel her pity. I know that whoever she is angry with she is angry over me. I cannot understand, all I wanted to do was pull on my red Wellingtons and go and play but everyone around me is shouting., arguing about who is to blame. My small self sitting on that sofa knows that my presence is causing this upset and I want to be far away, I don’t know what I have done and I am confused, and I am upset.

Such a trivial memory when I think of some of the horrible things that have happened to me in my life, but that was the day when I first realised that just by being, I was making people upset. Just by being born I had caused a lot of pain.

The Therapist tells you to talk to self you see in your image, its like a movie in your head and he tells you to tell them what you think they should hear as someone who is observing. So I tell her, I tell the small chubby toddler with the sad black eyes and the confused face that’s its ok. I tell her she is ok, I want to cry for her as I know what is to come, but I don’t. I paste on a smile in my image and I tell her that she is somebody, I tell her that she is not to blame, that she is a good, valid person. I tell her that if she refuses to give into the negativity and learns to love herself than other peoples love will follow, that she is capable of being loved, that she deserves to be loved.

Then my therapist tells me to travel back down my time line, and stop at any other memories that I have, and to pick up traits or leave behind flaws that are not needed in my life. I see these pictures of myself.

I see the primary school girl crying because she doesn’t know who she is.
I see the teenage me laying in a hospital bed, headphones on listening to REM and wishing my suicide attempt had succeeded.
I see an unhappy me sitting by the lake cutting myself to pieces with words that hurt only me, negativity drowning me.
I see a cold me drugged up to the eyeballs sleeping in the doorway of a church one night when I was younger and messed up.
I see a helpless me laying under Dominic the night he spiked my drink and raped me.
I see a confused me, sitting in a crowd and feeling so alone.
I see an angry me, rebelling through spitefulness to overcame my own feelings of inadequacy.

I stop, at each one of those times and tell myself the same thing. That I am valid, that if I think positively good things will come my way. I tell myself that I deserve to be loved and I am ok being who I am. Over and over I repeated in my head you are ok. Three simple little words, you are ok.

When my Therapist brought me back into the room something amazing happened, It literally felt like the tension was leaving my body, I felt lighter. Like If I looked in a mirror I would look different. I felt different and lately I have been acting different.

Of course I am not ‘cured’ I wish it was the case that someone could just reprogram you and everything would be ok. But I have never felt as positive as I do right now in my whole life, its like its almost impossible for me to think negatively. I actually like myself. Without question or doubt, I feel that I deserve to have all the things that I have never had before. I feel confident, positive, optimistic and also focused.

Even my friends have commented on the difference in me. Katie comments on how much she likes the new positive thinking me and my work friends have told me how I look different, more content, more happy and that I act differently. More approachable more easy to be around.

This has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. If you ever have the chance and need some help controlling your emotions or banishing try time line therapy.