Reverse Decisions

6 02 2009

I’ve sat down and started to write a blog entry numerous times over the last couple of weeks but can never seem to find the motivation to put my thoughts on paper. My blog had become my place of letting out my frustration, and also my deepest fears and now all of a sudden I feel like I am facing them fears head on.

The strange thing in all of this is I finally realised what I think people have been trying to tell me all along, it was never about anything but my perception of myself, of my own fears and doubts about myself.

My background, my childhood, has left me with many issues with myself, the fight or flight mode, the constant niggling doubts about my own worth, the all encompassing hypersensitivity that allows my mind to tell myself that by being cold, being distant, never showing my true colours will allow me to escape without further harm in this mad crazy thing we call life. The deepset paranoia that manages to ruin everything I touch, simply because I let it. Funny how my fight mode only manages to fight against myself when it comes to stopping my own happiness, my own emotions, it never manages to fight against myself when it truly should.

It’s not going to be something that I am going to be able to ‘fix’ overnight, but it is something that the more aware of it I am, the more I can try and learn how to control. This fear of mine that stops people getting close to me because I am so scared that they will see this other side of me, this wildcat side, this crazy thought pattern of mine also stops me letting people see the true side of me this one that is craving acknowledgement, is desiring to be cared for.

Like a bird with a broken wing I find myself being made to learn to fly again, but not by stifling it and putting it in a large cage but by allowing it to fly free in the open air, but with it knowing that if it fails we will pick it up and help it on its way again.

The last few weeks have been strange for me, my decisions have surprised myself more than I have admitted, this huge decision to stay here in Spain because of a man I had known just days, my decision to not only stay but rush without care into this has left me bemused when I think about it. But never unhappy, nor disappointed into myself. This is not just about him, this is me, this is me allowing myself to take a chance, to make a reverse decision from normal. Always my choice is to run, always I decide to flee before I get hurt, this time I have decided that come what may, tears, hurt, fun or the opposite I based a decision on giving my emotions a chance to run free.

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Acceptance

29 09 2008

My blogs lately have been depressing. I have no doubt that people who are reading are sick of hearing me bleat on about the situation I have put myself in … after all it was me that quit my job, its me that found my running shoes early in life and kept on running, and its me that’s running now.

I’ll be packing up the car in the next week and driving the 6 hours or so down to Southern Spain to look for what comes next. With nothing except one months wages, my few possessions and a heavy heart I’ll set off, but I know as the miles pass between here and there I will change, I will bit by bit forget about all that I am leaving and think only of the possibility of the unknown.

My life has changed drastically in three weeks. Nothing I do really surprises me anymore.

Fran paid me a visit last night, as you probably gathered from my last post. Fran doesn’t love me, nor does he know me in any other way apart from sexually. But he keeps me company sometimes and I am grateful for the affection in times of need. He asked me why I was moving and for some reason when I replied the obvious ‘because I have nothing here’ I found my eyes welling up, I fought back the tears and was thankful for the darkness so he couldn’t see. But its true, not having anything has always been a balm to me but it suddenly became such a sad statement to make.

I am 27, I have been lost for a long time and with no hope of ever being found or showed love I am finally admitting that I need to stop looking for change within myself. I am not a good person, my temper is quick, my moods legendry, I am selfish, I make mistakes at every corner. This is how I am, and people like me need to make an alternative life – we need not to put ourselves in situations where we can hurt or upset people.

I need to stop caring when I have done wrong. You see I know I am moody, I know I am over the top in my temper tantrums, my irritability is monstrous but I am always thinking I want to change and each time I do not I beat myself up, and now as I leave and I realise that nobody really cares if I am here or not I do not have many people to say goodbye too, not people who will wave me off and swap fake promises of keeping in touch. So this is it, this is my problem, I need to not keep trying to change who I am, I need to accept that I am always going to be this way that goodness is not something I will possess and find a life in which I can be a solitary being so I can cause the least amount of hurt in this world as possible.





Moments that Make Memories

12 09 2008

Just as so many people look for security, for safety, for something that endures, I find that I, end up falling slap bang in the middle of a high. I ride roller coasters so I can feel the highs and when the lows come I cocoon myself from the way I feel.

My life is lived by moments, people share my moments, I share theirs. Sometimes like the last three days I get to share a moment in time with someone who blows me away and just as quickly as he blew my mind away, he blew right back out of my life and back to someone else, someone from the past. Someone I knew about, knew was in the background, and instead of steering away like most people would I shared both my body and my support in his quest for understanding.

You see because I have no past, a present in the here and now and a future so unclear I find that I can support people, I find that even when inside I am wanting someone or something so badly that my insides are burning I can still take a step back and say to myself you know this isn’t forever, so if they need some support in their search for their forever give it to them. Sure I don’t always go about it in the best way – my way is haphazard, overbearing, constantly filled with meaningless chatter. But I do do it, I am there on the sidelines, giving advice, listening, understanding, not judging – telling them that they need to go to where they feel they should be to see if it works out.

Months later I hear from the grapevine, shared friends, a hasty text from them telling me that it worked out. Sometimes I don’t hear from them at all, sometimes they don’t even acknowledge me in the street, but I know that one I knew them, knew the person they was in that moment.

I may live on the sidelines of life, but every now and then I get to play on the field and when I do the expected occurs, I dance, I live, I laugh, I breathe but then soon its time for me to go home, to tend my wounded heart and my tired mind.

Me and Martin just lived in the same moment. This morning it ended. I hope he finds what he is looking for.