14 01 2009

I am a rainbow.

Ever disappearing, every colourful, ever elusive. I have no beginning for you to find or an end where you can find that much-wanted pot of gold. Instead I glow only when the weather changes and for a moment I am bright then I fade until its time again for me to show the vibrancy of my colours.

We are all rainbows, our beginnings do not need to be found as we have no beginnings, while the start was a time it matters not when our present is where we are and our ends cannot be found as they are not yet there, we have no end, our end is simply not yet decided.

I am not completely forgotten, sometimes those I care about deeply forget me, lose me as they walk the twists and turns of the maze that represents their own lives but in which I am not walking with them. Sometimes I make myself become forgotten as I take turns in my own maze that they do not understand and cannot accept. Sometimes I forget myself when the world seems to be in nothing except darkness and my eyes are not yet trained to look through the pitch black of the night.

There are times when I forget through my own laziness or being too busy with other things to clean my windows and mirrors and then I wonder why my view or my reflection of myself becomes murky and unclear. When the view is not pristine I become too involved in my own doubt to step back and realise that all I need to do is simply take a cloth and clean what I have forgotten to so then my view is clear again.

I am not an ogre that lives under the bridge waiting to pounce on small children or hurt others intentionally, nor am I am Angel flying above with only the need to protect others with no need to look at my own self and see if she needs protecting. My world is not black and white, it has many shades of red and grey and pink and purple, shades that may not be shared in other peoples worlds but are a part of me.

I am not fixed, not cured, nor maybe do I need to be fixed or cured, maybe my own growth is simply slower or faster or in different directions to others.

My choices are both right and wrong. My mistakes are not always mistakes. My lessons are not always learned.

I am a rainbow.


Random Ramblings

28 09 2008

Its taken me what seems like hours to eat a sandwich, every time I bring food near my mouth my stomach turns and my whole body wants to reject anything passing my lips.

My moods have been monstrous the last few days, even though I am leaving I am finding myself caring about what happens at work, enough to be a bitch to my co-workers.

What is it about people that winds me up so much? Why am I so sensitive? So irritable? I take everything as a personal slight against myself.

Sometimes I think its because I have spent so long knowing that I am nothing, that I am not ever going to be good, or the best at anything or even anything at all that when other people criticise me I bite. It must seem to an outside observer that I actually love myself very much – maybe too much.

How little they know.

The customers that come in the restaurant have in the majority been very nice, some have told me that they think I will always get on in life, they say this simply because when they see me every week or so I am ok, if you do not have to be around me a lot, if you see me just when I am running around the restaurant I know I can seem nice. I have had good luck wished on me.

My employees and co-workers cannot wait for me to go.

It looks like I am going to pack up the car and drive off next week, if I stay here longer than the 7th I will have to pay another months rent and I need as much money as I can get. I doubt my landlord will be impressed given that he has been good to me and I am not giving him notice. I think I might contact him tomorrow to let him know, but there is another side of me that knows once I have told him that’s it, its final I am leaving.

Its all happened so quickly. It almost doesn’t seem real.

Once again I am stepping out of my comfort zone, heading towards the unknown and this time it does not seem as exciting. I keep saying to people if I don’t like it I will come back, but knowing me I doubt I ever will. I doubt I will ever see any of these people again, doubt they will enter my head once the miles are between us.

I tend to always disassociate myself with the past. The past is the past. I run from me, but always have me but lose the memories of those that played part of my life before.


30 08 2008

Recently I have discovered guided hypnosis tapes (well Limewire downloads) and have become somewhat addicted to them. I can’t say if they are working, but I can vouch for the fact that after listening to them I feel calmer and more ready to face the world, more in-touch with life. I am listening to them most nights before I sleep and sometimes in the afternoon before I head out to work.

This has led me to think that I might take up meditation, I have always been a meditative person in that I can sit and think in complete stillness for hours – my own company is always joyful and serene, but never before have I explored my sub-conscious mind as I have been lately.

I don’t really know where to start with meditation, I do a lot of it is to do with breathing and that’s where I think I might find difficulty, as a heavy smoker and someone who has suffered panic attacks my breathing is not something I have ever been able to control. So being me, I google it and find a very simple ‘counting elephants’ theory:

· Breathe in slowly saying to yourself: “One elephant, two elephant, three elephant…”
· Then let the breath out slowly to six: “four elephant, five elephant…”

Which I have been walking around my apartment for the last half an hour practicing, I also tried some posture control exercises from a yoga download I had, which works on the fact that having good posture makes breathing easier. It seems to work (my back also feels great and aligned right now!)
So now, I think I am going to keep practicing these breathing exercises and then in a few days try this meditation malarkey. Maybe it will help me in my quest for calmness.
Anybody got an ideas where to start?